In this current atmosphere of fear where every day people “in the know” are gnashing their teeth, pulling their hair, and babbling in tongues about mortgage backed securities and credit default swaps one may lose sight of the real danger affecting the world today. Robots.
The impending robot revolution continues to be the number one threat to the continuation of the human race and while our politicians are busy pointing fingers at one another in easily digestible sound-bites, some of us refuse to be distracted. Some, like artist Molly Porkshanks, are all too aware of the danger posed by the inscrutable mechanoid. Now she has produced terrifying evidence that, no longer content with self awareness, they have begun to reproduce in a twisted approximation of the human life-cycle, as evidenced by this clockwork fetus.
Should this become commonplace we may truly be witnessing the end. It is imperative that we create measures to combat this threat whether it be stronger coat hangers or taller, harder stairs. Something must be done, or government bailouts will be the least of our concerns. Mark my words.
You may think that sending your children out to the train tracks to fetch coal is a good idea; after all, since those absurd child labor laws were enacted they don’t contribute anything to the family. However, you should know that trains — hateful, metal monstrosities that they are — will take every chance to mow them down. Keep in mind though, trains have a fatal flaw in that they have one chance to extinguish your child’s life, meaning that, should their homicidal run fail to kill them, you may be left with a crippled mouth to feed. Just look at young Johnny there. How will he make money now? No one’s going to hire a one legged paper-boy and it goes without saying that no woman is going to want a husband with a missing leg. No, Johnny is coming to the harsh realization that being a pirate is not a realistic goal and his parents are considering moving away and not telling him where they went. It’s something to think about the next time you get it in your head to procure some free coal.
The Mattel Agent Zero M Sonic Blaster 5530 fires compressed air with a deafening blast. Our measurements top out at 157 dB–above a level that can do permanent damage to the hearing of an adult. We rate the toy Not Acceptable.
Festo, a robotics company who has previouslydesigned robots based upon the mechanics of sea creatures, has released video of their newest creations. Based on jellyfish the AquaJelly and Air Jelly are sea and air based, respectively. They are extraordinarily graceful and almost perfectly mimic the movements of their living counterparts. The AquaJelly in particular is especially interesting. The idea is that these autonomous robots can communicate with each other and with aquatic charging stations using LEDs , allowing them to replenish their batteries and work in groups, making it much easier for them to wipe out our naval forces once they achieve self awareness.
I have said it before but it seems that it bears repeating: our time left on this planet is short and one day — no doubt sooner rather than later — mechanized monstrosities will cleanse us from this sapphire spheroid in a wave of robotic fury, probably with lasers in their eyes. That said it is disheartening to watch this clip of someone’s dachshund, named Jerry, playing fetch with a ball tossing robot. To know that we’ve already let them into our homes to entertain our pets is just…I mean…they’re man’s best friends for God’s sake. MAN’S!
I fear for our future, dear readers, for while Jerry seems to be having a wonderful time I can just as easily see him returning the ball to this evil little device and waiting eagerly for the sound that lets him know another throw is imminent. No sound this time though, as the ball falls from its perch and bounces — once, twice — when suddenly, Jerry is scooped up and flung through the air with incredible velocity, his skull dashed upon the wall as he collides with it. You may think me morbid but I’m just being realistic. Do you think I want this to happen to Jerry? Certainly not, but it will if we don’t do something about this mechanical cancer. It’s time to ask yourself whose side you are on, theirs…or Jerry’s
In sheer defiance of the World Wide Web Consortium's will, Ectomo was designed using a non-web-standard font. Luckily, it is included in the excellent font pack released by the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society, which can be freely downloaded in Mac and PC formats here. Ectomo should still look fine without it, though.
