What happens when you give the new customized Hot Wheel van to toy maker supreme Doktor A and tell him to go nuts? Pure, unfettered awesomeness in miniature, befezzed form; complete with luxurious, metal moustache. Oh how I want this little, riveted wonder for myself.
Sweet dancin’ Moses, it’s flashback to my formative years for this week’s S.M.C.s! It’s time to tight roll your denim jeans, get your Member’s Only jacket out of storage, and grab your Ray-Bans! Prepare yourself for ridiculous theme music, Public Service Announcements, and product placement, product placement, product placement! Come with us as we travel back to a time before the sight of anthropomorphized animals didn’t make you shudder with thoughts of creepy, stuffed-animal-humping shut-ins! Return with us to THE 80s! Exclamation mark!
• Thundercats:: “Exodus” and “An Unholy Alliance”. A group of nobles, including Lion-O the young heir to the throne, escape from the dying planet of Thundera. During their escape they are attacked by Mutants from the planet Plun-darr and both land on Third Earth. The Mutants encounter an ancient evil inhabiting the planet, the accursed Mumm-Ra. Together they hope to obtain the powerful Eye of Thundera, which Lion-O possesses. Thundercats holds up much better, animation-wise, than most cartoons from this generation and is one of the few 80s cartoons not based on a toy line.
• He-Man and the Masters of the Universe: “The Cosmic Comet” and “Diamond Ray of Disappearance”. Did you know that, while “The Cosmic Comet” was the first episode of He-Man aired, “Diamond Ray of Disappearance” was meant to be the first episode in terms of story? I did not. Watching these now I wonder what kind of drugs my parents slipped into my Lucky Charms when I was a child.
• G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero: “Cold Slither”. Unfortunately I couldn’t find the first episode of G.I. Joe (or Gobots for that matter) but “Cold Slither” is a worthy stand-in. To be honest I could never get into this cartoon, however, I did have a literal fuck-ton of the toys. The plot of this episode may explain why: facing bankruptcy Cobra Commander is forced to borrow money from mobsters. Meanwhile a ploy is concocted by Destro and The Baroness to embed subliminal messages into a record album in order to hypnotize and hold the masses hostage. Zartan and the Dreadnoks are hired to pose as a heavy metal band called “Cold Slither.” Wow.
• Gobots: “Time Wars”. Alas, poor Gobots. Even though you beat Tranformers to the market, you never received the same respect. Why? Perhaps it’s because you were so, so bad and your toys had transformations that mostly consisted of turning the figure over. Yes, that could be why.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: “Turtle Tracks”. Formerly dark, violent comic book heroes turned pizza loving, tag line spewing kid’s cartoon. Oh, how I loved TMNT. This show is one of the few from my childhood where, having watched it again, it is exactly as I remember it. Even then, I knew it was campy, but I loved it anyway.
In a study to test the theory that octopuses have a preferred arm which they use to feed and investigate, sadistic scientists are providing the captive creatures with, among other objects, Rubick’s Cubes.
Claire Little, marine expert at the Sea Life Centre in Weymouth, Dorset, said the study could eventually help to reduce stress among octopuses.
She said: ‘It will be very interesting to see the results.
‘Uniquely, octopuses have more than half their nerves in their arms and have even been shown to partially think with their arms.
‘We hope the study will help the overall well-being of octopuses. They are very susceptible to stress so if they do have a favourite side to be fed on, it could reduce risk to them.”
This woman must be some sort of Rubik’s Cube savant because my experience with what is obviously Hungary’s “Fuck you!” to the world is untold frustration. A more interesting experiment would be to see if an octopus could actually solve one of these devilish puzzles or if, after hours of trying to conquer this Sisyphean conundrum, it merely removes and rearranges all the colored squares in an attempt to fool its captors.
The Mattel Agent Zero M Sonic Blaster 5530 fires compressed air with a deafening blast. Our measurements top out at 157 dB–above a level that can do permanent damage to the hearing of an adult. We rate the toy Not Acceptable.
An ad for French toy store Gepeto Village. The visual itself is really very nice, however I am inclined to agree with some of the comments found in the link in that it seems to contradict the message, which is that they wish to keep these toys out of the hands and, in turn, minds of children. If anything, perhaps they should have gone with different text.
Welcome to Ectomo’s 33rd Mostly-Weekly Saturday Morning Cartoons Show. Today we present to you a smorgasbord of delectable animated dishes; a smattering of drama, horror, humor, and vintage erotica served up steaming hot for your enjoyment. So sit back, relax, and prepare to have you senses assaulted with ‘toonage!.
• Don Hertzfeldt. welcomes you to the show!
• Transformers: “”More Than Meets the Eye Parts 1-3″. Over an hour of thinly veiled toy commercials masquerading as a children’s cartoon. Learn how the Autobots and the Decepticons came to Earth and which plastic and die-cast metal action figure to beg for! Seriously though, while the cartoon doesn’t hold up particularly well and while it is just a glorified toy commercial, I still can’t shake my love for Transformers.
• Comedian Louis C.K. uses animation to explore some of his father issues.
• Eveready Harton in Buried Treasure: A piece of animation history; the first pornographic cartoon. Rumor is that it was made for a private party in honor of the great Windsor McKay and that such visionaries as Max Fleischer and the Mutt and Jeff studio were involved.
• The Real Ghostbusters: “The Boogieman Cometh”. One of my favorite episodes of this show, the design for the Boogieman is just brilliant, his oversized head, replete with glass-shard like teeth, and cloven hooves makes for a great image.
• Intermission, by Don Hertzfeldt.
• Welcome To Eltingville: “Bring me the Head of Boba Fett”. The first and only episode of this cartoon based on Evan Dorkin’s Eisner-Award-winning “Eltingville Comic-Book, Science-Fiction, Fantasy, Horror, and Role-Playing Club” published in the pages of Dork. Featuring four gentleman — Bill Dickey, Josh Levy, Pete DiNunzio, and Jerry Stokes — who are friends of a fashion, but geeks to the fullest. In this episode a battle erupts over the ownership of a Boba Fett figurine and hilarity thus ensues. Cameo by MC Chris, which I’m pretty sure was a prerequisite for [adult swim] cartoons for a while.
• Paranoia Agent: “The Holy Warrior”. Detectives Ikari and Maniwa interrogate Lil’ Slugger who confuses his realities and believes that the world around him is a medieval-style RPG while his quest is to defeat the evil Gouma who possesses other people to fight. Ikari and Maniwa follows Lil’ Slugger through his “journey” and see that it does coincide with all of the attacks — all except for Tsukiko Sagi. However, Lil’ Slugger points the detectives to where the old lady is who may posses the truth.
Oh sure, you can take Xenu into your heart, but can you put him on your toy shelf? Sadly, still no, as this is the only custom Xenu toy that Jin Saotome has done. However, our sources deep within the convoluted Scientology network tell us that once you reach Level 17 you’re awarded a Xenu figurine of your very own.
When I was young, my brother and I had a cheap, very basic slot car set — either Hot Wheels or Matchbox branded I think, although I can’t remember which — that we used incessantly. The visceral experience of making miniature cars hurtle at top speed around a plastic track without careening off into oblivion was almost overshadowed, however, by the act of populating the area surrounding the track with any manner of detritus — cardboard boxes, coffee cans, LEGO structures, Godzilla toys; meant to represent building, bridges, Godzilla, etc. — that characterized the vast metropolis that was the stage for our death-defying motorsport.
This came back to me while watching this video of a far more elaborate set-up being filmed mostly at track level with a camera mounted on one of the cars. The only thing that could make this better is if they had someone making the noise of the car’s engines with their voice instead of real car recordings. I wonder what that cardboard and plastic city would look like to me now.
Babel Fish insists that the tag-line screams “With this in God hand!” while the description — somewhat unsurprisingly — references echoing and mechanical impact. What is known for sure is that this terrifying device is a vibrator meant to be strapped onto one’s hand, or penis as is shown on the product page, and then in theory, used to pleasure another human being. I’m really not sure who is shelling out the money for this or who in their right mind would let someone wielding one of these things anywhere near their genitals; either way it does little to assuage the fear that the device instills in me. Nothing about it says “consensual”, that much is certain.
“The Korova milkbar sold milk-plus, milk plus vellocet or synthemesc or drencrom, which is what we were drinking. This would sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of the old ultraviolence.”
Finally, a toy seemingly made specifically with Ectomo in mind. A fez, smoking jacket, slippers, and sunglasses can be a hard combination to pull off, but Ennui Man, the creation of Nick Dewar, does so with a singularly apathetic aplomb. Tentacles and virgin sacrifice sold seperately.
What you have here is psychiatry’s first patented device to deal with the onset of ADHD in hyperactive children. Is your child bouncing around, dizzy and quivering from head to toe, their circulatory system pumping what, under a microscope, appears to be a hemoglobulous mixture of lemonade and pixy sticks? Do you just need a break? Then slap a Transogram Swing Wing on his bean and watch him head-bang until he passes out in an alarmingly expanding nose bleed.
Lileks suggests it also might be a “a mutant-detection program the government ran in the late 60s to identify children whose brains could resist high levels of stress; they were carefully groomed to become astronauts and fighter pilots.” He goes on to note that “Reader’s Digest did an expose on the toys, asking once again “Why Can’t Johnny Read?” with the sensible answer that Johnny had a series of small but cumulatively disabling cerebral hemorrhages.”
As a kid, my entire world was He-Man. His nut-brown epidermis, the hulking mountains of his bronze thighs, the sinewy musculature of his forearms, the ponderous mound of his tattered loin-cloth…. all metamorphosing from the pupal casing of that pale, effete dandy, Prince Adam. It was a reminder that even I, a wimpy four year old, could one day become a herculean Techno-Viking and maybe even fight monsters for a living and live with other buff he-men in a castle of my choosing.
That the entire toy line was a metaphor for the gay lifestyle was utterly lost on me. I filled my pads of construction paper with crayon-drawn renditions of the imaginary heroes I dreamed up to fill-out He-Man’s constabulary of beefcakes. I’m lucky I never sent any of those off to Mattel, though, because according to this letter they sent a little boy who dared to suggest an action figure to them, they immediately sealed such letters in a steel-encased sarcophagus and placed them in a bank vault capable of bearing the brunt of a direct nuclear blast.
Dear Brian:
We at Mattel really appreciate your interest in our products, however we cannot accept your idea in connection with them.
Because we cannot return it to you, what we will do with your letter is to place it in a sealed box and make sure no one else in the toy company will read it. We are sorry we must handle your suggestion this way, but lor legal reasons, we must. We hope you will enjoy our Mattel products for years to come,
Sincerely,
T. Longworth
Manager, Consumer Affairs
What does that mean? Somewhere in America there’s a huge archive filled with the names and addresses of the future’s repressed gay population, complete with attached drawings of their ideal homoerotic avatars. If Mattel ever unearths the key to this treasure box, they’re going to have a new business on their hands: systematic blackmail.
Watching this collection of 70s commercials for mostly sci-fi themed toys I am struck by how little has changed in how they are marketed. A child — or children — playing with whatever object is being peddled with as much excitement as they can muster while a disembodied adult voice breathlessly lists each product’s amazing features, although modern commercial narrators have taken excitement from breathless to something approaching apoplectic. The exception here is the ad for the Shogun Warriors™ toys which feature a waxy, leering gentleman in a dingy, dimly lit basement hovering over a display case, perhaps to foreshadow the kind of adult a child collector of such trinkets might grow into. If anything his descriptions of the figures’s abilities leave something to be desired. I’m not sure we needed to be told that Gaiking™ allows us to “aim him” or that the Shigcon Tank™ has “The Drill”, as I’m sure both of these could be inferred, although being able to take the aforementioned Gaiking™ apart to make “The Skull” is a most exciting feature. Also of note is Suckerman™, who is covered in suction cups. “You can even stick him to himself!” Mr. Disembodied voice proclaims, in a way that is decidedly not age appropriate. Suuuuuuuuuuuuu-ker-man
In sheer defiance of the World Wide Web Consortium's will, Ectomo was designed using a non-web-standard font. Luckily, it is included in the excellent font pack released by the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society, which can be freely downloaded in Mac and PC formats here. Ectomo should still look fine without it, though.
