They should have just let Romero’s glorious moustache shine through, untouched. Running around made up like a clown is one kind of crazy, but running around made up like a clown with a moustache is a whole, different level of batshit insane.
Any commenter who posts “Why so serious?” gets fed to the weasels. You’ve been warned.
Sweet dancin’ Moses, it’s flashback to my formative years for this week’s S.M.C.s! It’s time to tight roll your denim jeans, get your Member’s Only jacket out of storage, and grab your Ray-Bans! Prepare yourself for ridiculous theme music, Public Service Announcements, and product placement, product placement, product placement! Come with us as we travel back to a time before the sight of anthropomorphized animals didn’t make you shudder with thoughts of creepy, stuffed-animal-humping shut-ins! Return with us to THE 80s! Exclamation mark!
• Thundercats:: “Exodus” and “An Unholy Alliance”. A group of nobles, including Lion-O the young heir to the throne, escape from the dying planet of Thundera. During their escape they are attacked by Mutants from the planet Plun-darr and both land on Third Earth. The Mutants encounter an ancient evil inhabiting the planet, the accursed Mumm-Ra. Together they hope to obtain the powerful Eye of Thundera, which Lion-O possesses. Thundercats holds up much better, animation-wise, than most cartoons from this generation and is one of the few 80s cartoons not based on a toy line.
• He-Man and the Masters of the Universe: “The Cosmic Comet” and “Diamond Ray of Disappearance”. Did you know that, while “The Cosmic Comet” was the first episode of He-Man aired, “Diamond Ray of Disappearance” was meant to be the first episode in terms of story? I did not. Watching these now I wonder what kind of drugs my parents slipped into my Lucky Charms when I was a child.
• G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero: “Cold Slither”. Unfortunately I couldn’t find the first episode of G.I. Joe (or Gobots for that matter) but “Cold Slither” is a worthy stand-in. To be honest I could never get into this cartoon, however, I did have a literal fuck-ton of the toys. The plot of this episode may explain why: facing bankruptcy Cobra Commander is forced to borrow money from mobsters. Meanwhile a ploy is concocted by Destro and The Baroness to embed subliminal messages into a record album in order to hypnotize and hold the masses hostage. Zartan and the Dreadnoks are hired to pose as a heavy metal band called “Cold Slither.” Wow.
• Gobots: “Time Wars”. Alas, poor Gobots. Even though you beat Tranformers to the market, you never received the same respect. Why? Perhaps it’s because you were so, so bad and your toys had transformations that mostly consisted of turning the figure over. Yes, that could be why.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: “Turtle Tracks”. Formerly dark, violent comic book heroes turned pizza loving, tag line spewing kid’s cartoon. Oh, how I loved TMNT. This show is one of the few from my childhood where, having watched it again, it is exactly as I remember it. Even then, I knew it was campy, but I loved it anyway.
From the Spanish television series Cruz y raya.com comes “Los Simpsons”, a skit in which the comedy duo paint themselves yellow, slap giant fake eyes on their faces, and pretend to be Homer and Marge Simpson. The effect is, shall we say, less than comedic.
Channel 4’s look into one of modern western culture’s more enduring urban legends, the snuff film. An interesting look a the history of the idea and people’s obsession with it. Only one downside: the presence of Eli Roth.
To say Salvador Dali became unhinged in his later years would imply that he wasn’t unhinged in his earlier years. What possessed the man to involve himself in ultimately mundane commercial endeavors isn’t exactly clear; though his infamous eccentricity may have had a bit to do with it. Regardless, if commercial breaks insist on interrupting our sedentary delights I think it’s safe to say we’d prefer them featuring disinterred madness of Dali.
There is an old joke that describes a drummer as someone who hangs out with musicians and, with rare exception, this perception of the bland and unheralded percussionist persists to this very day, despite the drug fueled myth-making of Keith Moon or the unsavory, well-endowed, plastic-mammary-fondling antics of Tommy Lee. There is little glamor or fame to be found in playing the skins, although some may claim that drumming is in one’s blood, that it is an art, not merely a way to attract money, loose women, or legions of adoring, slathering fans. These people are liars, trying desperately to dismiss the very idea that they may feel inferior to the mighty phalluses of guitars or microphone stands.
What is the lowly drummer to do then? Should he or she sit, impotent and trembling, while the rest of the band rocks their way to glory and sweaty, backstage copulation? Many have tackled this question and it has beaten them. Some — the Phil Collinses and Don Hendleys — have attempted to augment their talents by taking on vocal chores as well, however the success of this strategy is debatable. No, if one is to prove one’s self as a musical force to be reckoned with while remaining in the rhythm section one must display one’s chops while having a solid and vibrant stage presence.
Which leads us to the video above showcasing a drummer who has devoted himself, body and soul, to his craft and, in doing so, completely steals the show from his band mates. It could be argued that his enthusiastic gesticulations are a tad misplaced, a little over the top for the smooth, mellow, soft-rock being performed, but I disagree. Every facial contortion, every twirl of the stick — of which there are many — is perfectly timed, and necessary to properly convey the emotion, the unbridled passion which he feels for his music. Bear witness as this man, this drumming demigod, bares his soul to you and invites you to join him and rock. Will you not answer his summons?
As you know yesterday was Brownlee’s birthday which meant that today I had to take an extra long shower. It’s no use though, no matter how long I scrub I just can’t get clean. In any event here is a nice little animated sandwich of spoof-tastic Fox Kids and Kids’ WB cartoons between two, moist slices of anime. I hope they will entertain you, our loyal readership, and I pray that, perhaps, they will help me to repress the events of last evening. Please, God…
• FLCL: We’ve entered the final half of this spectacular mini-series, and only two more to go. Will you just look at those eyebrows.
•Eek! The Cat and The Terrible Thunderlizards: Eek! did a number of film spoofs during its run and the two that stand out, to me, are “Lord of the Fleas” in which Eek is trapped in a shopping mall with some penguins — one of whom hysterically exclaims “Shut-up, Piggy!” — and this episode entitled “Eekpocalypse Now!, which thoroughly hits upon every major joke one could make about Coppola’s film. This one is for the adults, unless you were an eight year-old who loved movies about Vietnam. The Terrible Thunderlizards was its own show but was later merged with Eek! to create a variety show more like our next two entries.
•Tiny Toons: “A Quack in the Quarks” is the second episode of this seminal show and features a loose parody of Star Wars and a plethora of fourth wall shattering humor. In this episode Plucky Duck is kidnapped by aliens to Planet X to save it from the nefarious plot of Duck Vader. This was the beginning of a real golden age of Warner Brothers cartoons in the late 80s/early 90s that include Animaniacs, Freakazoid, and the Animaniacs spin-off Pinky and The Brain. Oh, and a Watchmen reference!
•Animaniacs “Super Strong Warner Siblings” is a brilliant send-up of the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers which always marked the end of cartoon time. Animaniacs also did an Apocalypse Now parody which, while excellent, did not follow the plot as closely as Eek!. Next up is one of the many “Good Idea, Bad Idea” clips followed by my favorite, Pinky and The Brain. In this episode, entitled “Battle for the Planet”, Brain once again acknowledges his Orson Welles influence by attempting to fake an alien invasion ala the Mercury Theater’s broadcast of War of the Worlds.
•Paranoia Agent: Someone has some unpleasant secrets…
Ray Bradbury, distinguished author, visionary, and crusader for personal travel via pneumatic tubes helps the disembodied voice of Stan Freberg pimp Sunsweet Pitted Prunes.
Not being of an age to appreciate Star Trek: The Motion Picture when it was released I can’t help but wonder the effectiveness of this commercial. Surely a man, dressed up as a Klingon and garbling in a fictional tongue was most likely a fairly good way to market to kids. That is until they actually saw the movie and, lobotomized by an eternity of watching the Enterprise inch it’s way through space, were no longer capable of consuming solids. Perhaps the milkshakes still sold well.
Meet Corey Delaney, 16 of Melbourne, Australia and his “famous” glasses. Corey is being interviewed by a stern, buxom blond because he threw a party while his parents were on vacation, and when young Master Delaney throws a party, sometimes it involves over five hundred people and requires the attention of thirty police officers, a police helicopter, and the police dog squad. The raucous party goers caused an estimated twenty thousand dollars in damage which Corey or, more likely, Mr. and Mrs. Delaney may have to pay for.
Corey, for his part and to the frustration of the aforementioned buxom anchorwoman, seems unrepentant, and really, why should he? Shirtless, so as to better show off his single, pierced nipple, wearing a hat that he may have taken from a preteen girl or a mentally retarded woman, and glasses which are, as mentioned earlier, “famous” he has his whole life ahead of him. The world is his drunken oyster.
It makes me glad then, dear readers, that I do not live in a country, colonized by murderers, rapists, and thieves, that would produce a jackass of Corey Delaney’s caliber and instead live in a country, colonized by religious zealots who wanted to outlaw Christmas and which has never, ever, afforded people the liberty of such spectacular idiocy.
Witness the candy deliciousness that is Saturday morning cartoons: creamy, comedy goodness in a sweet, crunchy anime shell!
• FLCL continues its meteoric, guitar wielding, robot spooging, sexually awkward descent into madness, in the second episode, “Firestarter”.
• Some of my earliest and fondest memories of Nickelodeon involve Rocko’s Modern Life. Featured today are two episodes, “No Pain, No Gain” and “Unbalanced Load”. The intor is the version from season two, featuring the talents of The B-52s.
• I am no fan of Seinfeld so I maintain that Duckman is the best work Jason Alexander has ever done. “The Noir Gang” does a fantastic job of incorporating the show’s perverted, foul-mouthed detective and porcine sidekick into a black and white film noir motif.
• If you had told me that a re-boot of Max Fleischer’s Felix the Cat would be worth it, I may have condescendingly sniffed at the idea. However Twisted Tales of Felix the Cat was an amazing cornucopia of oddity and downright weirdness. Two episodes for you: “Phony Phelix” and “The Petrified Cheese” which features a cleverly named shamus named Seamus. “Ok, pally, let me fill you in on the facts. The skinny. The scam. The poop.”
• Paranoia Agent “The Golden Shoes”. Who is Lil’ Slugger? For Yuichi “Ichi” Taira, the most popular kid in school, top of his class in academics and sports, who plans to run for Student Council President, his golden roller blades and red baseball cap are cause for growing concern among his peers, turning his life upside down. Now, paranoid and looking for a way out of this new nightmare, he focuses his attention on foreign transfer student Shogo “Usshi” Ushiyama, convince he is trying to ruin him.
Kudos to the Japanese television program Ultraman for standing up and saying what we have all been afraid to say but know to be true, namely that the physically handicapped are all maniacal villains who, given the chance, would destroy us all. Witness what happens when this crutch-bound gentleman gets his crippled hands on a strange stone, with the ability to turn into a man in a monster suit with trowels for ears. You’ll never go in a hotel pool again once you’ve seen said monster, in a bikini, frolicking in the water. Simply horrible.
Japanese television is often described as being a seething mass of bizarre and indecipherable entertainment, perhaps unfairly so. Surely other countries of the world have weird shows choking their airwaves. Take, for example, the Germans who apparently have, what appears to be, a game show called “Wetten Dass…?” This particular episode features a man who throws plungers at the nude torsos of other men. I’m not sure what the purpose of this is, but, it being German, it is most certainly a metaphor for the emptiness of existence or, perhaps, the negation of Self. I could be wrong, but surely it is rife with deep meanings.
I have a hard time understanding the thought process behind creating a show like Captain Planet. It almost seems as if someone, at some time, thought that kids’s favorite part of G.I. Joe was the Public Service Announcement at the end. Here, then, is what the kiddies really wanted, a bland, cliché ridden multi-cultural group of young environmentalists, wearing the latest in fashionable Earth Day apparel, who possess magic rings that, when combined, form a flamboyant super hero in a half shirt.
In this particular segment our heroes go back in time to chase after Bea Arthur and her less wrinkly twin sister/daughter who have come to sell a nuclear bomb to…Hitler! Or at least someone who is supposed to represent Hitler. While the swastikas have been removed the side-swept and greasy grade-school-class-photo-meets-
deranged-pedophile haircut remains but, more inexplicable, is the replacement of his now infamous ’stache with a Ming The Merciless Fu Manchu. Worth watching just for the uncomfortable moment were he makes the Captain become all sweaty with his piercing eyes.
In sheer defiance of the World Wide Web Consortium's will, Ectomo was designed using a non-web-standard font. Luckily, it is included in the excellent font pack released by the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society, which can be freely downloaded in Mac and PC formats here. Ectomo should still look fine without it, though.
