When they aren’t walking in slow motion to a techno soundtrack, looking bored at shows, or crafting spells to finally show that jerk Brad who’s boss these precocious gothlets fight prejudice and inequality wherever it can be found. Sadly, not everyone understands the hardships of being spooky and fighting for the right to be taken seriously while looking like a complete jackass.
The goth wonder twins were ejected from a bus (the enormous leathery bat wings with which they usually travel being in the shop) due to the lead the the more feminine of this fearsome duo (the one with less clothes on in case you’re wondering) is led around the streets of West Yorkshire. Citing a strict “No dogs allowed” (do you see what he did there?!) policy, the bus driver refused to take on any more passengers or move the bus any further until the gothlets took a powder from the virtuous and wholesome people’s public transportation.
I’m strangely torn, on one hand I support the bus driver’s decision simply because of the atrocious taste these youngsters display with zeal. More people should catch a little humiliation for nancing around in an unoriginal costume they put no thought into whatsoever. On the other hand, at no point did the bus driver inquire whether Gothy McCliche was using his young paramour as a service animal; a seeing eye goth as it were. Think about it, if you saw these two out and about would it really be that much of a stretch to assume blindness as the source of their fashion woes?
This video (and stupidly enjoyable track) must have cost at least a cool million, but the Backstreet Boys didn’t care. They were riding high on Lou Perlman’s buggery adoration, they had legions of teenage girls at their beck and call, and it was the nineties, so nobody bothered telling them (to their faces) how stupid they looked, acted, and sounded.
When you’re that rich, that vaunted, and that young, what can you do? Why, a Thriller rip-off that will live in infamy for a chosen few, of course. Namely, me and the rest of the malcontents who were impressionable youth during that cursed era.
And by impressionable, I mean we thought backflipping werewolves were pretty much the golden apex of comedy. We still think that.
Why am I posting this on Cthursday? Pay attention to the gangly gentleman in the deceptively intellectual glasses, with the briefcase and the obsession with staring away from the camera at exactly a ninety-degree angle. I assume he’s supposed to be some sort of Jekyll/Hyde manifestation, but his bifurcation is less monstrous than it is piscean. My hypothesis is that some concept artist snuck that one past the board, giggling into his dog-eared copy of the Compleat Works of Lovecraft the while.
But I don’t think backflipping werewolves had to be snuck past anyone.
For those who don’t know, the gentleman in the video, Tay Zonday, created quite a stir six months back (or roughly ten thousand Internet years) with his song “Chocolate Rain”, a repetitive and horribly infectious tune which dealt with the issues of racial injustice and rage, societal tensions, and stepping back from the mic to breathe in. Combine this with the mocking adoration of two radio imbeciles and you have a video that has racked up millions of hits.
Enter Dr. Pepper®, a company who has chosen to prove once again that corporations will take any trend, no matter how insipid or fleeting, and use it as fodder for advertising. For their new cola, Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr Pepper, they have produced the YouTube video “Cherry Chocolate Rain” featuring Mr. Zonday doing a “pimped out” sequel to his original hit complete with beats that one might describe as “phat” if one were so inclined, an unknown enthusiast of the rapping arts, Mista Johnson who, according to his site, goes by the alias Felonious Monk in an insult to one of jazz’s greatest composers, and, of course, scantily clad women gesticulating with the enthusiasm, coordination, and talent of someone being cleansed of demons or in the throes of a grande mal seizure. Lest one forget that this video references “the interwebs” a stuffed squirrel, complete with shocked expression, is also featured near the video’s conclusion.
I suppose that in a way, ridiculous as this ad may appear, it is perfectly functional for the purposes it was made to serve. Memes rarely last very long, perhaps just long enough to cover the life of a limited edition beverage. In this regard it seems perfectly suited. However, one has to wonder if that is even long enough, or if companies even have the resources or foresight to take advantage of these trends. Considering the internet community’s ADHD-esque tendencies and the random appearance and instantaneous popularity of videos like “Chocolate Rain” it seems to me that advertisers will be perpetually late to the party.
The internet is both a fantastic and horrible thing, striking a strange dichotomy in it’s usefulness and ability to induce horror and rage, rule 34 and Wikipedia being examples of both. The way we communicate across the tubes is in itself a unique mishmash of self evolving slang and horrible, horrible, shorthand. Occasionally I’m forced to interact with people that take full advantage of the lexicon of the lazy, staring slackjawed at barely intelligible stream of consciousness screeds interspersed with the occasional “LOL” or emoticon, both of which could easily drive a man to murder. I often find myself wondering just who I could unleash my wrath upon for releasing this evil into the world as opposed to the wholly unsatisfying daily curmudgeonry I find myself relegated to.
I’ve been appreciating the trailers for the Clive Owen and Monica Bellucci action vehicle Shoot ‘Em Up: Hollywood action stupidity at is most unapologetic and therefore best. This leaked sex scene from the film is probably indicative of the movie as a whole: you either need to be smart enough to command involuntary mental functions to shut a section of your brain off when you buy your ticket, or you need to pick up a home trepanation kit at your local drug store on your drive to the theater.
I especially like how Monica Bellucci does not pause her orgasm once to make sure that none of the bullets being wildly sprayed around are tearing into her small, wailing baby. She’s just pure sex.
In sheer defiance of the World Wide Web Consortium's will, Ectomo was designed using a non-web-standard font. Luckily, it is included in the excellent font pack released by the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society, which can be freely downloaded in Mac and PC formats here. Ectomo should still look fine without it, though.
