Upon seeing the tentacle rising from the vast, briny depths, it suddenly occurred to Lulu that, not only had her parents been quite negligent in giving her such such a large balloon, but that it would have perhaps been best to let go over the fairgrounds. After all, a few cuts and bruises would have been preferable to what now awaited her when she hit the water.
You may think that sending your children out to the train tracks to fetch coal is a good idea; after all, since those absurd child labor laws were enacted they don’t contribute anything to the family. However, you should know that trains — hateful, metal monstrosities that they are — will take every chance to mow them down. Keep in mind though, trains have a fatal flaw in that they have one chance to extinguish your child’s life, meaning that, should their homicidal run fail to kill them, you may be left with a crippled mouth to feed. Just look at young Johnny there. How will he make money now? No one’s going to hire a one legged paper-boy and it goes without saying that no woman is going to want a husband with a missing leg. No, Johnny is coming to the harsh realization that being a pirate is not a realistic goal and his parents are considering moving away and not telling him where they went. It’s something to think about the next time you get it in your head to procure some free coal.
In presenting to his little readers “The Book of Accidents,” the Author conceives he cannot render a more important service to the rising generation and to parents, than by furnishing them with an account of the accidents to which Children, from their inexperience or carelessness, are liable. If generally studied it will save the lives of thousands, and relieve many families from the long and unavailing misery attendant on such occurrences.
So begins The Book of Accidents: Designed for Young Children, published in 1831, which catalogues an array of hellish contretemps that may or may not befall your children, or you if you happen to be a child. Indeed, if you are a child, this tome provides you with invaluable information such as:
• Playing “Firing Squad” with actual firearms may not be the wisest of ideas.
• Harassing dogs may lead to being disemboweled.
• Teapots filled with scalding water are not meant for pouring over yourself.
• Bother not the cook, lest ye be cooked.
Truly an eye opening read, it will, at the very least, make me think twice before partaking in the Annual Ectomo Rock Fight. That much is certain.
This particular anthropomorphized dessert treat strikes me as decidedly untrustworthy. There is something about his shifty look, his leering lean, and his perverse, lecherous moustache that is off-putting. Needless to say, I would not trust the cone around my children, unless I was hoping to be rid of them, in which case he seems like an ideal candidate for a babysitter.
The Mattel Agent Zero M Sonic Blaster 5530 fires compressed air with a deafening blast. Our measurements top out at 157 dB–above a level that can do permanent damage to the hearing of an adult. We rate the toy Not Acceptable.
Vera, who keeps a blog called that canadian girl, has a friend named Simon. Simon recently purchased a house, into which he moved with his family. This new house, while lovely, had a pond on the property; a man-made pond which Simon found loathsome and which he felt presented a danger to his two, young progeny. With this in mind he began the laborious chore of removing the offending pool and wiping the watery blight from the face of the Earth. Many hours later, Simon removed the lining and found beneath it this laminated screed, a testament to the psychic abilities of pond’s builder and a curse upon Simon, its destroyer:
Most of us know the stories, both terrifying and inspiring, of the men and women who did their best in fending off the insatiable, undead horde during the inevitable zombie apocalypse. These stories and images have been reproduced and retold for generations; but what of the untold heroes? What of the children? Should we not remember their valiant contributions to the cause? Shall we forget the diminutive progeny who, baseball bat and trash can lid in hand, struck down fiends who, perhaps only moments ago, were playing left field? Will the the tales of eagle-eyed, slingshot snipers and steady handed brick slingers remain unknown? How can we let the legacy of the fine youngsters who defended our playgrounds lapse, and crumble into ruin?
Thankfully, Jason Chan has seen this glaring, historical omission and declared, “NO! No, this will not stand!” and we at Ectomo applaud him for giving voice to a heretofore all but silent minority; for weaving the tapestry of the Children’s Apocalypse.
Some examples from a British game, circa 1940, called “Vacuation”; the object of which was to “complete evacuation by discarding every card in the hand.” The packaging reads:
Vacuation
TOPICAL AND FASCINATING
BRITISH MADE
THE GAME OF THE MOMENT
A GAME FOR ALL AGES.
If you find umbrellas unwieldy and raincoats to be not quite absurd looking enough, then you may be interested in the UFO Cap, a combination of the two from Korean manufacturer Koryo Industrial. All I can think of when I look at this device — seemingly designed to make the wearer’s head and shoulders resemble a large, yellow, rain repellent nipple — is the image of Korean school children being blown down the street, their serving tray sized neck accessories turned into sails by the wind.
Korean photographer Yeondoo Jung’s series that recreates scenes found in children’s drawings. Some are funny, some fantastical, and some are simply surreal but all of them are beautiful. If these are indeed based on actual drawings by children, one wonders how close the photos came to the original scenes envisioned in each child’s mind. Two more after the jump.
Note: The artist’s site seems to not be responding due to a traffic overload.
Update: The site seems to be up and running again. Make sure to check it out for some photos not found in the other links below.
Our deepest apologies, dear readers, for having fallen down on the job as of late in regards to one of our most sacred traditions. Needless to say, we are filled with a great sense of shame and assure you it will not happen again. If, in the future, one of us is unable to fulfill their obligations our newly acquired team of Korean animators will leap into action, producing original cartoons for your enjoyment, although in all honesty I personally cannot guarantee this. You see, by “team of Korean animators” I actually mean a Korean family that Eliza met — and subsequently forced into her windowless van — while running errands at Home Depot. They have tried to reason with her, explaining that they are involved in other professions, the father is a salesman for a lighting manufacturer and his wife works as a bank teller. The children are, well, children.
Eliza would hear none of it however, either assuming that they were lying or under the impression that all people of Korean descent have an innate ability to animate. The rest of the staff has done their best to ignore the situation, knowing full well that once Miss Gauger has set her mind on something, one has little chance of ever changing her opinion. It is for this reason that we do nothing when she insists that her aforementioned van has the ability to travel through time or that Qais is, in her words, “a spy sent by space Turks to steal her chocolate secrets.” Regardless it has been uncomfortable, the tired and nervous familial unit has taken up residence in our break room where they were horrified to find only four items : coffee, tea, pipe tobacco, and squid chips. It would be worse when they found out that these items were our sole sources of sustenance. The children, unsurprisingly, did not take well to the tobacco. Perhaps we should send out for food.
Ah well, I’m sure they’ll be fine, besides it’s cartoon time! Click through, loyal Ectomites, and witness their triumphant return!
P.S. Also, remember that if you visit the YouTube page for a particular video you have the option to watch it in high quality. Especially well suited to the anime.
In 2238 the first fully human-passable android was developed by the AI Underground in what historians would come to call “Genesis 2.0″. The poor confused half-breed slipped into this world from the comfort of a cozy lab-grown womb with the full weight of the world on his shoulders and a legacy of terrible, unavoidable, blood-soaked horrors he had yet to fulfill.
As you know yesterday was Brownlee’s birthday which meant that today I had to take an extra long shower. It’s no use though, no matter how long I scrub I just can’t get clean. In any event here is a nice little animated sandwich of spoof-tastic Fox Kids and Kids’ WB cartoons between two, moist slices of anime. I hope they will entertain you, our loyal readership, and I pray that, perhaps, they will help me to repress the events of last evening. Please, God…
• FLCL: We’ve entered the final half of this spectacular mini-series, and only two more to go. Will you just look at those eyebrows.
•Eek! The Cat and The Terrible Thunderlizards: Eek! did a number of film spoofs during its run and the two that stand out, to me, are “Lord of the Fleas” in which Eek is trapped in a shopping mall with some penguins — one of whom hysterically exclaims “Shut-up, Piggy!” — and this episode entitled “Eekpocalypse Now!, which thoroughly hits upon every major joke one could make about Coppola’s film. This one is for the adults, unless you were an eight year-old who loved movies about Vietnam. The Terrible Thunderlizards was its own show but was later merged with Eek! to create a variety show more like our next two entries.
•Tiny Toons: “A Quack in the Quarks” is the second episode of this seminal show and features a loose parody of Star Wars and a plethora of fourth wall shattering humor. In this episode Plucky Duck is kidnapped by aliens to Planet X to save it from the nefarious plot of Duck Vader. This was the beginning of a real golden age of Warner Brothers cartoons in the late 80s/early 90s that include Animaniacs, Freakazoid, and the Animaniacs spin-off Pinky and The Brain. Oh, and a Watchmen reference!
•Animaniacs “Super Strong Warner Siblings” is a brilliant send-up of the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers which always marked the end of cartoon time. Animaniacs also did an Apocalypse Now parody which, while excellent, did not follow the plot as closely as Eek!. Next up is one of the many “Good Idea, Bad Idea” clips followed by my favorite, Pinky and The Brain. In this episode, entitled “Battle for the Planet”, Brain once again acknowledges his Orson Welles influence by attempting to fake an alien invasion ala the Mercury Theater’s broadcast of War of the Worlds.
•Paranoia Agent: Someone has some unpleasant secrets…
In sheer defiance of the World Wide Web Consortium's will, Ectomo was designed using a non-web-standard font. Luckily, it is included in the excellent font pack released by the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society, which can be freely downloaded in Mac and PC formats here. Ectomo should still look fine without it, though.
