You may think that sending your children out to the train tracks to fetch coal is a good idea; after all, since those absurd child labor laws were enacted they don’t contribute anything to the family. However, you should know that trains — hateful, metal monstrosities that they are — will take every chance to mow them down. Keep in mind though, trains have a fatal flaw in that they have one chance to extinguish your child’s life, meaning that, should their homicidal run fail to kill them, you may be left with a crippled mouth to feed. Just look at young Johnny there. How will he make money now? No one’s going to hire a one legged paper-boy and it goes without saying that no woman is going to want a husband with a missing leg. No, Johnny is coming to the harsh realization that being a pirate is not a realistic goal and his parents are considering moving away and not telling him where they went. It’s something to think about the next time you get it in your head to procure some free coal.

Cool Advertising Signs and Posters [Flickr] uploaded by Shirley Two Feathers : Hugo Strikes Back! : More Cool Pictures

As a child you may remember the moments of abject terror that you felt between the time when the lights in your room being switched off and when you passed out from sheer exhaustion. Those minutes stretched themselves into hours as you huddled, alert to even the slightest sound, under your blanket, its protective shell broken only by a small opening in order to allow fresh, cool air to enter so that you could breathe. Wrapped in your cloth cocoon you were safe from Closet Monsters, Boogeymen, and Dire Otters.

Fast forward and you have, hopefully, outgrown your fear of the dark. Certainly, such ridiculous fears like being torn apart by over-sized aquatic mammals are best left in the hazy land of childhood. You know now as an adult — older, wiser, and with a trail of life experiences behind you — that such fears are totally unfounded, especially when cast in the light of real threats like Natural Disaster, Terrorism, and People — No Doubt Minorities — Coming To Take Your Stuff.

We’ve profiled other bedroom protection accessories before but they pale in comparison to the level of protection offered by the Quantum Sleeper, a device that takes the protective blanket and replaces it with a bulletproof shell, complete with a bevy of features from a rebreather and “Biochemical Filtered Ventilation” to a refrigerator, microwave, toilet system, and DVD player. That is to say that the Quantum Sleeper is not so much a bed but more like a smaller, safer house inside your house, that also happens to be a bed.

The inventors of the Quantum Sleeper are quick to point out that they developed it before September 11th, lest you think they are merely reactionaries or overly paranoid when, in fact, they are just being practical. Unfortunately this fantastic contraption is unavailable as of today, the inventors are still looking for funding. They estimate that a unit would cost somewhere in the area of one hundred, thirty-five thousand dollars to manufacture. They do, however, have a demonstration model that they made from wood, a decidedly less fire, tornado, chemical, and machine-gun resistant material than advertised, but capable nonetheless of giving prospective investors an idea of the device’s real world attributes and that is, at least, one step forward for your peace of mind. Isn’t it?

Quantum Sleeper [Product Page] : Warren Ellis