Bertha’s father is not one to let just any boy marry his lovely, buxom daughter, and he is certainly not willing to entertain the idea of giving her to some lazy, ne’er-do-well artist. No, he must prove that he is worthy; that he is a man. Witness, then, the trials of Bertha’s would-be husband and read on in wonder a story of moustaches, drum solos, and motorcycles.

Phil McAndrew Illustration & Comics [Artist’s Site] : Thanks to everyone who sent this in!

A dapper snail mollusc takes a few moments to smoke a contemplative bowlful on the streets of Córdoba Spain.

Seen On The Streets Of Córdoba Spain [Wooster Collective]

Strange coincidences and eerie alignments this Tuesday morning. Steve Scott is a London based animation director and illustrator who also, apparently, has some sort of telepathic ability that has allowed him to lick the collective brain of Ectomo. This piece, entitled The Society of Victorian Mutants is as close as I believe I’ve seen to summing up the fetishes of Ectoplasmosis’s hive-mind in their entirety.

We don’t think it goes to far to say that Ectomo and Steve -if we may be so bold- should, and shall, be Best Friends Forever and we can hang out and do each other’s make-up and talk about tentacles and Cthulhu. We are sure of this, surer than anything in our entire, short lives. Make haste and hit up his site for an impressive collection of moustaches, Victorian fashion, robots, and pin-ups. Also, could you to pass him this note: “Do you like Ectomo? Circle one: Yes No”

Steve Scott [Artist’s Site] : Thanks, Bira!

Concert promo by Kipling West. You can see the finished, lettered version here.

Smokin’ Cobra in a Fez [Seven Deadly Sinners]

Sometimes you type the words “cthulhu turkey” into Google images and something unexpected comes up.

Call of the Cthulhu [MeerschaumArt]

Or, perhaps, asphyxiate considering the amount of smoke puffing on this would produce. Said to be China’s largest pipe, this bronze behemoth has a diameter of 3.8 feet, a length of 9.2 feet, and weighs in at just shy of 256 pounds. For when you want to smoke that bale of latakia you have laying around.

Largest Tobacco Pipe in China [Spluch] : EastDay

As the random homosexuals on AIM keep reminding me — the ones who keep on bubbling up on instant messenger to quiz me about my professed interest in pipes while rubbing their wet, bloated tongues sensually around their mouths — pipes are phallic, and sucking on one is about as gay as it gets.

This depresses me, but not as much as do the random homosexuals who answer the phone when I call the suicide hotline with the barrel of a pistol in my mouth — the ones who triumphantly chortle from the other end, “A gun? In the mouth? How phallic! Honey, come out already!”

I’ll tell you, a heterosexual of staunch carnal rectitude, an appreciation for the ethereal gastronomy of pipe smoking and a history of wildly fluctuating suicidal tendencies just can’t win. I’m getting to the point where I’m ready to just hit eBay, pick up one of these wonderful (but doubleplus phallic) pipe/pistol combos and confirm all suspicions of my closeted gayness once and for all in a symbolically fraught suicide ceremony.

Pipe Shoots Through Its Stem [Modern Mechanix]

Years back, when I first started chomping a briar, I joined a pipe smoking club on Yahoo! This added “pipe smoking” to my interests in my Yahoo profile. 7 years later? I still get unsettling messages like this, out of the blue, from the Yahoo gay community’s pipe smoking fetishists:

09:03:07 danielspipe61: hey pipesmoker
09:03:36 danielspipe61: smokin that pipe?
09:03:41 danielspipe61: feel like a pipesmoke?

Oh, fetishists! What filthy habit won’t you masturbate to?

Despite the fact that you — a genetic freak with pustulous boils erupting from your elecrtified fist — are fighting for your very survival, warily watching the ceilings lest a gravitationally defying spider splicer drop down and pull your guts out through your navel, dodging the monstrous drill bits of golems in antique diving suits that desperately yearn to chew through your sternum… there’s always time to kick back, chomp the stem of a cherry wood apple bowl and light up a fat bowl of heady latakia.

Prepubescent cephalophilia in chalk drawings. I can’t tell you how I got here, or what this scene portends, since it’s a significant spoiler. Let’s just say I refrained from splattering these darling girls brains all over the ground with my insanely overpowered wrenching skills, simply so as not to drown their happy squid.

There is nothing sexier than a woman smoking a pipe. Keep your crude euphemisms to yourselves, perverts!

Note: in National Geographic style, we are assuming that the drooping nipples of a tattooed aborigine will be considered work safe, setting in sharp relief the inherent racism of Corporate America and it’s subliminal belief that no one would ever believe you could possibly be masturbating to a picture of an exotic “savage.” Your interest must be scientific, because how could it be sexual?

But really, that’s rubbish: this is a proud and beautiful woman, her skin intricately laced with the most finely wrought of patterns. Her eyes are as glossy and black as her body, and the bemused writhe of the smirk on her face is inherently seductive. Far better and more understandable if you masturbate in your cubicle while thinking of her than any of the silicon-bloated hussies of Playboy.com. She is the very definition of an Ectomo Playmate.

Eduardo Masferré, Woman with her pipe 1954 [Vintage LiveJournal]

Of all the subtle facets of the pipe smoking art, the ocular tobacco inhalations perfected by Alfred Lengevin are the hardest to master, although the period of apprenticeship can be greatly reduced through steely resolve, a steady hand, a hard table and an icepick.

Langevin’s talents did not stop at merely smoking a pipe through his deformed tear duct, though: he could also blow up a balloon and play the recorder through his eye. Unfortunately, with the collapse of vaudeville, Langevin fell upon some hard luck: the last mention of him that historians can find comes from a bizarre arrest report filed by the Detroit City Police Vice Department in 1945, incredulously describing a far more perverse form of ocular sucking.

More information here and here. Video after the jump!

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