In his new book, Excavating Kafka, author James Hawes publishes a sampling of the late author’s secret collection of mail order pornography, copies of which Hawes stumbled upon while performing unrelated research in the British Library in London and the Bodleian in Oxford leading one to the conclusion that someone knew about Kafka’s erotic peccadilloes. Why then are they only coming to light now? Well, it could be that they are filthy:
Even today, the pornography would be “on the top shelf”, Dr Hawes said, noting that his American publisher did not want him to publish it at first. “These are not naughty postcards from the beach. They are undoubtedly porn, pure and simple. Some of it is quite dark, with animals committing fellatio and girl-on-girl action… It’s quite unpleasant.”
So there it is. It seems that Kafka scholars, unable to bear the idea of the mind behind The Trial and The Metamorphosis being titillated by the forbidden fruit of bestiality, have done their best to ignore it.
I think I speak for all of Ectomo when I say that this is a fantastic discovery. Mr. Hawes and I may have differing opinions on the photographic depiction of erotic lesbian encounters — which I would maintain is one of Nature’s great wonders and should be recorded at every opportunity, particularly if both parties are in heels — but I share his excitement over this discovery. I for one look forward to describing pornography featuring barnyard animals as being “Kafkaesque”.
Update: Sven KaoZ maintains, in the comments, that this is a stunt by Hawes to sell his book and that the magazines in question were published by Kafka collaborator, Franz Blei. The Wikipedia entry for Blei makes mention of this as well.
On the night of August 7th, Hong Kong police received a frantic call from a 41 year-old gentleman named Xing. He informed the officer that he was trapped in LianTan park. His stated reason? It seems that while meandering through the park, he had espied the salacious, perforated curves of one of the many benches dotting the grounds and, seeing that no one was around, he decided to do what any right-thinking, virile man would do. He decided to fuck it.
Problems soon enough presented themselves when Xing realized that the object of his affection had so firm a grasp on his member that he was unable to extricate himself. In a panic, he called the police who, finding his penis too swollen with blood to safely remove from the bench, were forced to cut the bench free and transport it, with lover attached, to the hospital where it was removed. Doctors remarked that, had he remained in the bench’s embrace for much longer, they would have had to remove his genitals in order to free him.
Let this serve as a lesson to all you would-be bench sodomites. Yes, they may be sexy and, yes, they may be “asking for it”, what with their polished surfaces and their exposed fastenings; but behind the weather beaten paint and wrought iron there is a darker side. There is a price to pay for your late night dalliances. Can you afford it?
Extended Stay hotels has a series of videos in which a woman stalks through one of their rooms, licking everything she can. Ostensibly the ads aim to show just how sterile their guest rooms are while also providing the kind of semi-erotic titillation that only the image of a girl salivating on an alarm clock can provide. It is by far one of the most appalling ads I have ever seen.
I have seen the “Special Reports” featuring news correspondents armed with UV lights exposing the invisible, Pollock-esque glaze of protein that decorates most hotel rooms. Worse yet, I worked in a hotel for two years, most of it night shift and one of my duties was to slip a bill under the doors of people who would be checking out in the morning. Let me assure you, judging from the sounds I heard emanating from some of the rooms as I made the rounds, I have no doubt that someone has done far worse things to your television’s remote than lick it.
Perhaps a realization of George Putnam’s apocryphal fear-mongering, Farm Sluts is a short film by director Collin Friesen and starring Cgris Parnell. Made for Fox Searchlight’s Searchlab project, it chronicles the meteoric downfall of a gentleman who unwisely opens some pornographic spam. One guess as to what’s inside.
This anti-pornography film from the 1960s left me with one very obvious, and troubling, conclusion: I am deeply envious of the wordsmithery of morally conservative propagandists. From his terse, esoteric pronunciation of bestiality, to his description of a “flood-tide of filth” — a description that calls to mind great, towering waves of briny genitalia — in terms of oratorical outrage, George Putnam is equal parts Shakespeare and Don King. Listening to his ode to a young, female sex toy, he paints a picture of sleazy, corrupted innocence that far exceeds any photograph. His insights are pointed, “[…]very few blind people join the nudist colonies,” he notes; his logic flawless. It was only when he described the irreversible effects of pornography that I realized why man-on-top missionary style sex did not excite me and why I insisted that my girlfriend participate in elaborate, 80s themed cos-play. Suddenly forcing her to dress like Jem or one of the My Little Ponies made perfect, if horrible, sense.
Yet, Putnam remains humble throughout. “In this ad, the titles of the magazines and their table of contents speak more eloquently than I about the tremendous problem here presented,” he says, before uttering the words “Sexual sadism. Strange flagellation cults” with a gravitas that would drive Morgan Freeman mad with jealousy. Oh George, you sell yourself short. Who else could speak of homosexuals as an evil “species” without coming off as a completely ignorant, hateful bigot? Who else could retain their composure while narrating over scores of photographs of female breasts covered by bars so large that one would think these women were in possession of the most freakishly huge areolas to be found on this planet, Earth? Not I!
Towards the end of the clip he quotes Pitirim A. Sorokin — the famed sociologist and author of, among other works, the hysterical and reactionary The American Sex Revolution — as saying that the newsstands of the time
[…] depict the world as a sort of human zoo, inhabited by raped, mutilated, and murdered females and by he-males, outmatching in bestiality, cavemen and out-lusting the lustiest of animals. Male and female alike are hardened in cynical contempt for human life and values.
Part of me wishes these two gentleman had been able to see some of the more interesting corners of the internet, if only to have been able to see their brains leak out their ears. In fact, Putnam is still alive and has, at the very least, changed his opinion on homosexuals. Someone should sit him down in front of 4chan before it’s too late.
Mrs. Habersham was not what one would consider a prude, surely her extensive collection of scandalous knee length frocks — which exposed not only her ankles, but the salacious curve of her calves — could attest to this fact; and yet she could not help but feel that Mr. Habersham’s carpentry fantasies were, perhaps, a bit outside of her comfort zone.
Welcome to Ectomo’s 33rd Mostly-Weekly Saturday Morning Cartoons Show. Today we present to you a smorgasbord of delectable animated dishes; a smattering of drama, horror, humor, and vintage erotica served up steaming hot for your enjoyment. So sit back, relax, and prepare to have you senses assaulted with ‘toonage!.
• Don Hertzfeldt. welcomes you to the show!
• Transformers: “”More Than Meets the Eye Parts 1-3″. Over an hour of thinly veiled toy commercials masquerading as a children’s cartoon. Learn how the Autobots and the Decepticons came to Earth and which plastic and die-cast metal action figure to beg for! Seriously though, while the cartoon doesn’t hold up particularly well and while it is just a glorified toy commercial, I still can’t shake my love for Transformers.
• Comedian Louis C.K. uses animation to explore some of his father issues.
• Eveready Harton in Buried Treasure: A piece of animation history; the first pornographic cartoon. Rumor is that it was made for a private party in honor of the great Windsor McKay and that such visionaries as Max Fleischer and the Mutt and Jeff studio were involved.
• The Real Ghostbusters: “The Boogieman Cometh”. One of my favorite episodes of this show, the design for the Boogieman is just brilliant, his oversized head, replete with glass-shard like teeth, and cloven hooves makes for a great image.
• Intermission, by Don Hertzfeldt.
• Welcome To Eltingville: “Bring me the Head of Boba Fett”. The first and only episode of this cartoon based on Evan Dorkin’s Eisner-Award-winning “Eltingville Comic-Book, Science-Fiction, Fantasy, Horror, and Role-Playing Club” published in the pages of Dork. Featuring four gentleman — Bill Dickey, Josh Levy, Pete DiNunzio, and Jerry Stokes — who are friends of a fashion, but geeks to the fullest. In this episode a battle erupts over the ownership of a Boba Fett figurine and hilarity thus ensues. Cameo by MC Chris, which I’m pretty sure was a prerequisite for [adult swim] cartoons for a while.
• Paranoia Agent: “The Holy Warrior”. Detectives Ikari and Maniwa interrogate Lil’ Slugger who confuses his realities and believes that the world around him is a medieval-style RPG while his quest is to defeat the evil Gouma who possesses other people to fight. Ikari and Maniwa follows Lil’ Slugger through his “journey” and see that it does coincide with all of the attacks — all except for Tsukiko Sagi. However, Lil’ Slugger points the detectives to where the old lady is who may posses the truth.
Few things cool the white hot passions of unfulfilled lust more than the awkward search through a sock drawer for a dusty box of rubbers. For this Ectomo has no solution, but shouldn’t you be spreading the gospel of Octobee rather than engaging in filthy fluid exchange anyway?
However we are not without understanding, realizing that even the followers of Octobee need occasionally distract themselves with the myriad pleasures of original sin. While we may offer no salvation from your awkward fumblings we do offer an alternative. Why not simply scare the ever-living shit out of the object of your amorous intent with a handgun shaped rubber dispensary? They’ll either be absolutely terrified (which is likely to be more amusing than a bit of sweaty grunting in pairs anyway) or they’ll be inflamed with a passion born of the immediate threat of violence, and you’ll have me to thank for your newfound comrade in coital deviancy.
After careful consideration Randy decided that his master could afford to purchase a new ball and that this particular game of fetch was over.
Thanks to everyone who pinged Ectomo on Valentine’s Day, it made Eliza’s puckered tear ducts moist with joy (or rage, I can never tell)!
The severing of a number of undersea communications cables have elicited claims of sabotage. Edward points to one of the more plausible theories.
The beautiful story of a young woman and the intimate relationship she shares with her speakers. Thanks, Tristion!
What happens when someone with a high speed camera takes video of insects being pelted with various liquids and miniature pies? Mable invites you to find out.
I do not know what is going on in this video but it is NSFW. Looks of disgust should be aimed at ithidet.
Update: The ever lovely and erudite Suzanne points out that the above image is by two Swiss collagists, Plonk & Replonk, and is part of a set of postcards which can be seen here.
The internet is a wondrous thing. With it we can have the most basic goods and services delivered to our doorstep, communicate with friends long scattered to the wind, entertain ourselves for hours at the expense of our fellow man, and most importantly indulge our most deviant, disgusting fantasies.
You see, I have long thought that I was alone in my desire for a companion upon whom I could lavish a bouqet of adorable ape-centric pet names. As I laid awake at night, dreaming of women with long braids of silken arm-hair from which I might lazily swing, I was filled with a deep shame, compounded by the seemingly singular nature of my peccadilloes. Thankfully, the festering primordial stew that is our collective electronic Id proves its worth once more, serving up a cornucopia of my beastly heart’s desire.
No longer am I filled with shame, disgust yes, fear possibly, but not shame. The sun shines and the birds sing as arm in arm my deviant brethren march into a future bereft of lonely shame, upper lips stiffened at the knowledge that we are not alone.
At first glance these may just seem like wacky, but unsettling, commercials for potato chips featuring a small boy and a creepy anthropomorphic dog….thing. It’s only after watching it a few times that one gets the impression that this is a recurring, if not daily, situation and that, perhaps, Mr. Dog has informed his young friend to never tell his parents about it because they would be very mad. Indeed, it appears that Mr. Dog and his young friend have a secret. At least there are potato chips though because, as Mr. Dog seems to know all too well, kids will do anything for potato chips.
At any moment your computer, the very same computer you are using at this very moment to read this very post, could maliciously and without concern for your well-being, serve up a hot dish of steaming, filthy, malignant pornography. Will you be prepared to do what needs to be done? Will you have the strong moral fiber and grim determination to return said hot dish with a side order of cold, violent tech death? Steel yourself, friends, and make yourselves ready, for porn strikes when you least expect it.
Ever wanted to have a tentacle arm? Do you and the little lady (or little man) have a hankering for some hentai inspired role-playing? Gaia Online (insert 4chan memery) has you covered, then, with this offering of suction-cup bedecked, polyester goodness.
Tentacle Arm [Gaia Online Store] : Kotaku : Thanks to Ninja-bot and Chris Ferstad!
Witness the candy deliciousness that is Saturday morning cartoons: creamy, comedy goodness in a sweet, crunchy anime shell!
• FLCL continues its meteoric, guitar wielding, robot spooging, sexually awkward descent into madness, in the second episode, “Firestarter”.
• Some of my earliest and fondest memories of Nickelodeon involve Rocko’s Modern Life. Featured today are two episodes, “No Pain, No Gain” and “Unbalanced Load”. The intro is the version from season two, featuring the talents of The B-52s.
• I am no fan of Seinfeld so I maintain that Duckman is the best work Jason Alexander has ever done. “The Noir Gang” does a fantastic job of incorporating the show’s perverted, foul-mouthed detective and porcine sidekick into a black and white film noir motif.
• If you had told me that a re-boot of Max Fleischer’s Felix the Cat would be worth it, I may have condescendingly sniffed at the idea. However Twisted Tales of Felix the Cat was an amazing cornucopia of oddity and downright weirdness. Two episodes for you: “Phony Phelix” and “The Petrified Cheese” which features a cleverly named shamus named Seamus. “Ok, pally, let me fill you in on the facts. The skinny. The scam. The poop.”
• Paranoia Agent “The Golden Shoes”. Who is Lil’ Slugger? For Yuichi “Ichi” Taira, the most popular kid in school, top of his class in academics and sports, who plans to run for Student Council President, his golden roller blades and red baseball cap are cause for growing concern among his peers, turning his life upside down. Now, paranoid and looking for a way out of this new nightmare, he focuses his attention on foreign transfer student Shogo “Usshi” Ushiyama, convince he is trying to ruin him.
Every day, high up in the Swiss Alps, Hans Stauffacher Loeffelsperger wakes, gets dressed, leaves his house, and walks out to the barn. The herd is skittish, as they usually are when he first opens the barn doors, their wide eyes trying to adjust to the first few rays of sunlight peeking over the horizon, and they huddle closer together on their pillows. They wait breathlessly as Hans walks over to the machine and begins prepping it. After a few moments, satisfied that everything is up to snuff, he turns, walks over to the herd, and begins to methodically remove their bikini tops.
In sheer defiance of the World Wide Web Consortium's will, Ectomo was designed using a non-web-standard font. Luckily, it is included in the excellent font pack released by the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society, which can be freely downloaded in Mac and PC formats here. Ectomo should still look fine without it, though.
In his new book, Excavating Kafka, author James Hawes publishes a sampling of the late author’s secret collection of mail order pornography, copies of which Hawes stumbled upon while performing unrelated research in the British Library in London and the Bodleian in Oxford leading one to the conclusion that someone knew about Kafka’s erotic peccadilloes. Why then are they only coming to light now? Well, it could be that they are filthy:
