We try not to discuss anything to political on Ectomo. It’s not our forte really, and honestly, political discussion is an activity that almost instantaneously devolves into the equivalent of both parties taking turns punching one another in the genitals. It is, plainly speaking, unpleasant.
So it is with a certain amount of hesitation that I post the above clip, a parody of the Fox News Channel’s O’Reilly Factor as presented by a child with a hydrocephalic cranium, knowing, as I do, that it may ignite the aforementioned genital boxing match. In the end, it’s a price I am willing to pay. After all, how often does one get a chance to hear a small child with a comb-over roar “Your dirty sex makes God send hurricanes”?
It wasn’t that Mr. Whittingham thought his youngest daughter’s fiancé an idiot per se, but it must be said that the young man’s affinity for the incestuous musings of a certain doctor of Austrian citizenship made him wonder if, perhaps, the gentleman had been shaken a bit too roughly as an infant.
The Bureau of Labor Statistics reports that in 2007 64% of high school graduates enrolled in college. For a multitude of reasons I have never been one of their ilk. Yet I’m told that college is a place to broaden one’s horizons; to learn new things and experience things you might not otherwise have experienced in your isolated pre-post-secondary schooling world, a place to question ideals long held as true and expand upon one’s own repertoire of knowledge. A kindergarten for the real world if you will, but with liquor and venereal diseases.
Apparently the hordes of apple-cheeked co-eds fueling this idea are all acting as agents of subversion and deceit; sowing falsehoods throughout society in an attempt to create a society of unquestioning automatons adequately prepared for the endless toil of an office. But only after being bilked out of thousands of dollars.
Thankfully, there are people like Miss Priya Venkatesan working from within the system to undo this previously obfuscated treachery.
Meet Corey Delaney, 16 of Melbourne, Australia and his “famous” glasses. Corey is being interviewed by a stern, buxom blond because he threw a party while his parents were on vacation, and when young Master Delaney throws a party, sometimes it involves over five hundred people and requires the attention of thirty police officers, a police helicopter, and the police dog squad. The raucous party goers caused an estimated twenty thousand dollars in damage which Corey or, more likely, Mr. and Mrs. Delaney may have to pay for.
Corey, for his part and to the frustration of the aforementioned buxom anchorwoman, seems unrepentant, and really, why should he? Shirtless, so as to better show off his single, pierced nipple, wearing a hat that he may have taken from a preteen girl or a mentally retarded woman, and glasses which are, as mentioned earlier, “famous” he has his whole life ahead of him. The world is his drunken oyster.
It makes me glad then, dear readers, that I do not live in a country, colonized by murderers, rapists, and thieves, that would produce a jackass of Corey Delaney’s caliber and instead live in a country, colonized by religious zealots who wanted to outlaw Christmas and which has never, ever, afforded people the liberty of such spectacular idiocy.
At first watch of this I thought it had to be faked somehow. There is simply no way a presidential candidate would be stupid enough to employ an internet meme in an attempt to get himself elected, especially one as obnoxious as Chuck Norris. Then I remembered who the current president is, wept bitterly, and thought for the umpteenth time of how I should really leave the U.S.
Ripped from the very neural simulation spaces of Qais Fulton’s mental “barn o’ bad-assed bestial boning” comes the above video, a complement to his most recent post about the guy who died from horsey/human butt ballet: purportedly a clip from a documentary that aired outside the United States concerning zoophilia and all manner of weirdos who have all manner of weirdo sex with their pets, we get to watch a be-mulletted blonde guy and a lady who looks like she should be behind the counter of some “quaint” roadside Americana store selling Yankee Candles speaking very candidly about how they…well, “go ’round the world” with the lady’s miniature stallion. Discussed are their first date, in which the woman decided to try the “shock factor” on her prospective beau by ducking under the horse for a quickie, their marriage, and their current sex life…with the horse. At no point do the two ever discuss actually meshing genitalia in the traditional human-on-human approach, which leads me to believe their marriage is actually a farce–indeed, actually a threesome, in which one member is, well, a horse. Do I hear charges of bigamy?! Going once…going twice…?
I’ll bet ANY reader Out There in Ectomoland that one or both of these horse-humpin’ honkies are furries, as well. So, to anyone checking out that event in Atlanta on the 29th, keep a keen eye out for two people in horsey costumes, who may be rubbing up against each other in a manner thoroughly inappropriate to a family place like a bowling alley. If so, approach with caution: they were last sighted trying to make a campfire and chasing each other around with leathered donkey dicks.
(BTW: What the hell is up with me an alliteration these days? Damn!)
Ok, now I could write a long winded account of this event, full of breathless ranting, my neck veins bulging from beneath my skin as a torrent of adjectives floods the page but I’m gonna quote this because the facts are more horrible than anything I could come up with:
“A Hartlepool man is facing jail after he urinated on a disabled woman who lay dying in the street.
The 27-year-old shouted ‘this is YouTube material’ as he degraded Christine Lakinski, 50, who had fallen ill, magistrates heard.”
The internet is both a fantastic and horrible thing, striking a strange dichotomy in it’s usefulness and ability to induce horror and rage, rule 34 and Wikipedia being examples of both. The way we communicate across the tubes is in itself a unique mishmash of self evolving slang and horrible, horrible, shorthand. Occasionally I’m forced to interact with people that take full advantage of the lexicon of the lazy, staring slackjawed at barely intelligible stream of consciousness screeds interspersed with the occasional “LOL” or emoticon, both of which could easily drive a man to murder. I often find myself wondering just who I could unleash my wrath upon for releasing this evil into the world as opposed to the wholly unsatisfying daily curmudgeonry I find myself relegated to.
In sheer defiance of the World Wide Web Consortium's will, Ectomo was designed using a non-web-standard font. Luckily, it is included in the excellent font pack released by the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society, which can be freely downloaded in Mac and PC formats here. Ectomo should still look fine without it, though.
