Sweet dancin’ Moses, it’s flashback to my formative years for this week’s S.M.C.s! It’s time to tight roll your denim jeans, get your Member’s Only jacket out of storage, and grab your Ray-Bans! Prepare yourself for ridiculous theme music, Public Service Announcements, and product placement, product placement, product placement! Come with us as we travel back to a time before the sight of anthropomorphized animals didn’t make you shudder with thoughts of creepy, stuffed-animal-humping shut-ins! Return with us to THE 80s! Exclamation mark!
• Thundercats:: “Exodus” and “An Unholy Alliance”. A group of nobles, including Lion-O the young heir to the throne, escape from the dying planet of Thundera. During their escape they are attacked by Mutants from the planet Plun-darr and both land on Third Earth. The Mutants encounter an ancient evil inhabiting the planet, the accursed Mumm-Ra. Together they hope to obtain the powerful Eye of Thundera, which Lion-O possesses. Thundercats holds up much better, animation-wise, than most cartoons from this generation and is one of the few 80s cartoons not based on a toy line.
• He-Man and the Masters of the Universe: “The Cosmic Comet” and “Diamond Ray of Disappearance”. Did you know that, while “The Cosmic Comet” was the first episode of He-Man aired, “Diamond Ray of Disappearance” was meant to be the first episode in terms of story? I did not. Watching these now I wonder what kind of drugs my parents slipped into my Lucky Charms when I was a child.
• G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero: “Cold Slither”. Unfortunately I couldn’t find the first episode of G.I. Joe (or Gobots for that matter) but “Cold Slither” is a worthy stand-in. To be honest I could never get into this cartoon, however, I did have a literal fuck-ton of the toys. The plot of this episode may explain why: facing bankruptcy Cobra Commander is forced to borrow money from mobsters. Meanwhile a ploy is concocted by Destro and The Baroness to embed subliminal messages into a record album in order to hypnotize and hold the masses hostage. Zartan and the Dreadnoks are hired to pose as a heavy metal band called “Cold Slither.” Wow.
• Gobots: “Time Wars”. Alas, poor Gobots. Even though you beat Tranformers to the market, you never received the same respect. Why? Perhaps it’s because you were so, so bad and your toys had transformations that mostly consisted of turning the figure over. Yes, that could be why.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: “Turtle Tracks”. Formerly dark, violent comic book heroes turned pizza loving, tag line spewing kid’s cartoon. Oh, how I loved TMNT. This show is one of the few from my childhood where, having watched it again, it is exactly as I remember it. Even then, I knew it was campy, but I loved it anyway.
This clip has all the trademarks of a sequence that, even if it were to be viewed in its proper context, would still make absolutely no sense. Inexplicable bikini-clad girl dancing by the side of the road? Check. Ninja, complete with katana and badly animated leaping effects? Check. Person in a bear suit with a shotgun? Check.
The bunny is coming for you. He knows where you live. He knows where your family lives. He is watching you all the time. His time is nigh. Beware the bunny.
• Ninja-bot proceeds to kick out the jams with a bevy colored Octobees. Send us your submissions for glittering prizes!
• Will we never be free of the disturbingly sensual Orangina Octopus? Le Roi’s sucker mark laden tip indicates not.
• Dominic reminds us of the dangers of drug use with comics
• Concerned with the results in Iowa, Tim correctly points out that there is only one real choice for president
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This video (and stupidly enjoyable track) must have cost at least a cool million, but the Backstreet Boys didn’t care. They were riding high on Lou Perlman’s buggery adoration, they had legions of teenage girls at their beck and call, and it was the nineties, so nobody bothered telling them (to their faces) how stupid they looked, acted, and sounded.
When you’re that rich, that vaunted, and that young, what can you do? Why, a Thriller rip-off that will live in infamy for a chosen few, of course. Namely, me and the rest of the malcontents who were impressionable youth during that cursed era.
And by impressionable, I mean we thought backflipping werewolves were pretty much the golden apex of comedy. We still think that.
Why am I posting this on Cthursday? Pay attention to the gangly gentleman in the deceptively intellectual glasses, with the briefcase and the obsession with staring away from the camera at exactly a ninety-degree angle. I assume he’s supposed to be some sort of Jekyll/Hyde manifestation, but his bifurcation is less monstrous than it is piscean. My hypothesis is that some concept artist snuck that one past the board, giggling into his dog-eared copy of the Compleat Works of Lovecraft the while.
But I don’t think backflipping werewolves had to be snuck past anyone.
Let me say this: Qais Fulton - street vintner, gigolo, Maccaroni- is a fecund, paragon among men; a bright, shining beacon on ye fetid and filthy interwebs. It is, then, with a pointed sense of guilt and shame that I -hunched, twisted, back-woods denizen- lay waste to the beauty this gentleman has brought us by exposing its horrid, Furry center. I pray that he will find it in his heart to one day forgive me.
As Eliza discovered to her peril in Japan, wandering the leafy streets of Tokyo’s parks at night can make one prey to all sorts of improbable perverts, not least of whom is the insane anthropomorphical equine who jumps out of the bushes and, brandishing his monstrous erection at you, madly screams “Pony! PONY! PONNNNYYYYYYYYYYY! at you as he chases you back to your hotel.
Ectoplasmid Joshua Normal sends harrowed missives from the front lines of the Internet made flesh: a Furry-on-Trekkie bowling tourney, hyped to the level of ridiculousness by BoingBoing, Fark, and the rest of the usual suspects. Happily for me and the rest of the irritable old guard, the furry menace was defeated in honorable combat:
The Trekkies and Klingons won. Which wasn’t really a shock to anyone watching. The Furs did their best but seemed to be a bit handicapped by the fact that they were wearing giant masks that I can only assume made seeing down the lanes difficult at best and well nigh impossible at worst. Add to that the lack of fursuit sized bore holes in the bowling balls and you had the inevitable. Half blind people granny rolling the balls down the lanes. With the exception of a few very talented furs the gutters saw more actions that night than the pins.
Footage from the Second Annual Furries vs. Trekkies Bowling Match, backtracked by music from The Big Lebowski soundtrack. The only thing this lacks for ultimate skeeve factor is John Turturro’s purple-clad bowling pedophile “The Jesus” licking a bowling ball like a small child’s buttocks.
Ripped from the very neural simulation spaces of Qais Fulton’s mental “barn o’ bad-assed bestial boning” comes the above video, a complement to his most recent post about the guy who died from horsey/human butt ballet: purportedly a clip from a documentary that aired outside the United States concerning zoophilia and all manner of weirdos who have all manner of weirdo sex with their pets, we get to watch a be-mulletted blonde guy and a lady who looks like she should be behind the counter of some “quaint” roadside Americana store selling Yankee Candles speaking very candidly about how they…well, “go ’round the world” with the lady’s miniature stallion. Discussed are their first date, in which the woman decided to try the “shock factor” on her prospective beau by ducking under the horse for a quickie, their marriage, and their current sex life…with the horse. At no point do the two ever discuss actually meshing genitalia in the traditional human-on-human approach, which leads me to believe their marriage is actually a farce–indeed, actually a threesome, in which one member is, well, a horse. Do I hear charges of bigamy?! Going once…going twice…?
I’ll bet ANY reader Out There in Ectomoland that one or both of these horse-humpin’ honkies are furries, as well. So, to anyone checking out that event in Atlanta on the 29th, keep a keen eye out for two people in horsey costumes, who may be rubbing up against each other in a manner thoroughly inappropriate to a family place like a bowling alley. If so, approach with caution: they were last sighted trying to make a campfire and chasing each other around with leathered donkey dicks.
(BTW: What the hell is up with me an alliteration these days? Damn!)
Is there truly anything more ridiculous than a “furry”? Perhaps, a person who likes to dress up as an alien caveman?
Now, we here at Ectomo definitely aren’t the most straight-laced, vanilla, fetish-free people on Earth. I’ve got a thing for medical equipment, Eliza’s got a thing for tentacles, and Brownlee…diapers and Pez. So we definitely are not the kind of people to point the finger and laugh. But there’s just something so…unutterably wrong about getting your rocks off by dressing up in fur suits and pretending to be anthropomorphic animals that it’s impossible–impossible, I tell you!–to NOT mock furries.
Klingons are a bit harder to mock, simply because Star Trek is cool and I, personally, am afraid to mock Klingons because Klingons can and will pound your ass into dust. It is their warrior nature, after all!
So what could possibly be stranger than a Furries vs. Klingons bowling tournament?! There has to be an Ectomo reader/slave somewhere in the Atlanta area who can attend this carnival of ca-raziness and report back on the insanity.
Myself, though, I have my money on the Klingons. After all, bowling is not that much different than a batleth tournament, and you just know all those goofy furries are going to be tripping over their stuffed tails.
One thing that’s easy for relatively normal, relatively well-adjusted people to forget is that there is a large percentage of the population out there with absolutely no social skills whatsoever.
I remember the first time I learned this, when I was hired as a pudgy 14 year old nerd to work at the local comic book store. The moment I stepped through those doors, I became a veritable God of social grace, the James Bond of comic bookstore coolness. I remember in particular one customer who would constantly try to joke with me, following me around the store while incessantly jabbering nonsense. Every once and a while, he’d become transfixed to the spot, a vibrating column of pork-flavored gelatin, and in the midst of his seizure scream out an utterly nonsense remark at the top of his lungs. “MY SHOES ARE NOT YOURS!” is the one I remember distinctly. Then he’d giggle maniacally, searching my face intently for signs of approval. I loathed him.
It’s no surprise that many of these social outcasts magnetically gravitate towards each other in freakish social scenes, such as furrydom. This is an excellent example of the sort of misanthrope I mean. This is a clip of furry Austin Wolf getting an autograph from Rob Paulsen, a voice artist most commonly known for his portrayal of Yakko Warner in Animaniacs. Just look at the way every single thing that comes out of this guy’s mouth is socially alienating: Robert Paulsen, a professional and a normal-seeming guy, is utterly and completely repelled within less than a minute.
Also, make sure to watch to the end for the money shot: a creepy, close-up shot of the lycanthropic Austin Wolf himself. This is the face of the archetypical misanthrope, ladies and gentlemen, and it is a doughy face of madness and horror. Is that the sort of guy anyone would ever want as their number one fan?
A creepy furry with a bed full of child’s stuffed animals skeevily warns us: “I want to have sex with dogs whether you like it or not. I want to have sex with Patch the Dalmation, Oddball the Dalmatian, Nadia Husky Girl, the characters from Oliver and Company, Jenna the Huskie, the 101 Dalmatians. And there is nothing you can do about it. Nothing whatsoever.”
He’s right, everyone. The furry has won: we are absolutely powerless to stop him from sexually desiring a constabulary of imaginary cartoon characters. I can imagine him right now, mashing a Snickers bar between his nubby teeth in exultant. “TAKE THAT, WORLD!”
In sheer defiance of the World Wide Web Consortium's will, Ectomo was designed using a non-web-standard font. Luckily, it is included in the excellent font pack released by the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society, which can be freely downloaded in Mac and PC formats here. Ectomo should still look fine without it, though.
Is there truly anything more ridiculous than a “furry”? Perhaps, a person who likes to dress up as an alien caveman?
One thing that’s easy for relatively normal, relatively well-adjusted people to forget is that there is a large percentage of the population out there with absolutely no social skills whatsoever. 
A creepy furry with a bed full of child’s stuffed animals skeevily warns us: “I want to have sex with dogs whether you like it or not. I want to have sex with Patch the Dalmation, Oddball the Dalmatian, Nadia Husky Girl, the characters from Oliver and Company, Jenna the Huskie, the 101 Dalmatians. And there is nothing you can do about it. Nothing whatsoever.”
