The favorite phrase of those that emerge from the opposite end of a tussle with their facade a grotesquery, “You should’ve seen the other guy.” Thanks to the obsessive cataloging of the Ectomitic, now you can. And you can be certain they enjoyed every minute of it.
Apparently, the unimaginative dullards at Man’s Life — not content filling the pages of their rag with scintillating tales of sexy, suburban deviants — have begun to pilfer tales from my own life to entertain the hordes of myopic misanthropes that patronize their dubious ilk. It’s been downhill ever since Mogo the Mugger, erudite caveman extraordinaire, left Man’s Life. Though in all fairness, filling the monstrous shoes of that ill-mannered Lothario is no easy task.
Early in the 22nd Century the recently formed World Government passed legislation declaring there could exist only one fast food mascot. The reasoning behind the decision remains a mystery to this day, though conspiracy theorists and rational thinkers suspect it was simply a display of power by an infant government. The tyrannical government’s method of pairing down what had become a veritable orgy of brightly colored clowns and cows with opinions on our dietary habits? Gladiatorial combat.
Long and hard they fought, showing bravery and cowardice in equal measure. Finally, from the viscera strewn pits of endless battle emerged a victor. A relative unknown in his world, yet no less savage and cunning for his lack of infamy. This man, nay, this hero goes by the name of McClucksky. May his epic never be forgotten.
As the constant bombardment of ads for the sure to be execrable Will “The Fresh Prince For Life” Smith vehicle I Am Legend, a film that Hollywood producers sadistically refuse to make correctly, continue to drive me into a deep morass of depression and malaise it is comforting to know that the Japanese are ready, willing, and able to step up and fill the artistic void.
In this case it’s The Machine Girl, a film whose purpose isn’t so much to fill said void but, rather, to fist it with a chain gun. The plot is simple: a girl is raped, her family slaughtered and, in order to facilitate her violent, bloody vengeance, she outfits herself with a death vomiting machine gun-arm which she uses to dissever those responsible in a hail of righteous gunfire. Featuring yakuza, ninjas, yakuza ninjas, and drill bras The Machine Girl looks to be a tour de force of impenetrable, kinetic, Far East nonsense genius.
May be unsafe for the workplace. I’m not positive, mind you, but maybe.
I’m not really sure who would win in a fight: Balloon Head or Penguin Bot? Balloon Head’s secret attack is both surprising and devastating, but Penguin Bot’s sharp beak might just thwart it with a loud “pop!” Either way, the fight itself would make us all winners.
In sheer defiance of the World Wide Web Consortium's will, Ectomo was designed using a non-web-standard font. Luckily, it is included in the excellent font pack released by the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society, which can be freely downloaded in Mac and PC formats here. Ectomo should still look fine without it, though.
