Ross: Ok, why is Grace Jones so fucking creepy? Qais: I think she and Seal are vampires. Qais: Maybe aliens? Ross: Grace Jones could be an alien, Ross: or a robot constructed by aliens. Qais: Dude Seal is totally an alien, Qais: or a vampire. Qais: I’m ok with either, really. Ross: I hadn’t thought about Seal, to be honest. Qais: Oooh! Qais: Maybe they’re alien vampires! Ross: … Ross: Maybe.
The Bureau of Labor Statistics reports that in 2007 64% of high school graduates enrolled in college. For a multitude of reasons I have never been one of their ilk. Yet I’m told that college is a place to broaden one’s horizons; to learn new things and experience things you might not otherwise have experienced in your isolated pre-post-secondary schooling world, a place to question ideals long held as true and expand upon one’s own repertoire of knowledge. A kindergarten for the real world if you will, but with liquor and venereal diseases.
Apparently the hordes of apple-cheeked co-eds fueling this idea are all acting as agents of subversion and deceit; sowing falsehoods throughout society in an attempt to create a society of unquestioning automatons adequately prepared for the endless toil of an office. But only after being bilked out of thousands of dollars.
Thankfully, there are people like Miss Priya Venkatesan working from within the system to undo this previously obfuscated treachery.
Festo, a robotics company who has previouslydesigned robots based upon the mechanics of sea creatures, has released video of their newest creations. Based on jellyfish the AquaJelly and Air Jelly are sea and air based, respectively. They are extraordinarily graceful and almost perfectly mimic the movements of their living counterparts. The AquaJelly in particular is especially interesting. The idea is that these autonomous robots can communicate with each other and with aquatic charging stations using LEDs , allowing them to replenish their batteries and work in groups, making it much easier for them to wipe out our naval forces once they achieve self awareness.
Apparently, the unimaginative dullards at Man’s Life — not content filling the pages of their rag with scintillating tales of sexy, suburban deviants — have begun to pilfer tales from my own life to entertain the hordes of myopic misanthropes that patronize their dubious ilk. It’s been downhill ever since Mogo the Mugger, erudite caveman extraordinaire, left Man’s Life. Though in all fairness, filling the monstrous shoes of that ill-mannered Lothario is no easy task.
At first glance, listeners may be tempted to dismiss Wendy Ho. Indeed, her trailer trash sensibilities and absurd, clown-like afro seem like reasons enough to simply stop listening and go do something more worthwhile, like file your taxes or make a sandwich, however this would be a mistake. Certainly her choice in hairstyle is unfortunate, but to focus on her follicular shortcomings would be ignoring the power and depth of her verse, to overlook her natural, lyrical talent.
Take “Bitch, I Stole Your Purse”, the first single from her new album. Here we have an anthem, a declaration, from a woman seeking to claim her territory, to draw a boundary between herself and her rivals. It can be argued that, in many ways, the stealing of a purse is a metaphor for superseding another’s femininity. This is encapsulated by the lines:
I own your purse, it reminds me of a cunt.
Empty it out like that time of the month.
Clearly Ho is saying that she not just taken another woman’s purse, but that she has absconded with her reproductive rights as well; by emptying her purse —read: womb — she has cut down a potential rival. By the time Ho relates to us that she has also carried on an affair with her rival’s mate there can be no doubt left to the song’s underlying theme. It is in this theme that “Bitch, I Stole Your Purse” proves itself to be more than just a well crafted song and instead shows itself to be a stunningly realized, neo-postmodern-sex-positive-anarcha-feminist™ manifesto in the form of a modern day Eddic poem, detailing the challenges faced by today’s white, urban — and possibly meth-addicted — women. Truly it is the work of a fearless artists, willing to present herself and her world to her audience with unflinching candor. I for one applaud her.
SCENE: #ectomo on EFNet, also reachable through ectochat, early in the AM. Qais (Qnonymous) begins describing in details his eyebrow-dying process: no one is paying attention. Finally, the New Scum testily snaps…
Qnonymous: Nothing drives me up the fucking wall more than being ignored
Brownlee: Nic0, did you hear something?
nic0: nope?
nic0: where?
nic0: here?
Brownlee: Must have been some sort of gay technicolor sheep bleating outside.
Brownlee: JUST IGNORE IT.
nic0: OK
Qnonymous: Also being interrupted
Qnonymous: SOMETHING YOU JERKS CAN’T DO HERE
[10:57] * Florian has kicked Qnonymous from #ectomo (Qnonymous)
[10:57] * Qnonymous (~mister.sw@blah.net) has joined #ectomo
[10:57] * Qais gives channel operator status to Qnonymous
Brownlee: CHECKMATE.
Come join us in Ectochat! There’s usually a couple dozen of us alternately chatting or idling, all day, every day.
Qais: It was weird. Qais: I came to on my couch with a handful of crumbled saltines and a mouthful of half-chewed saltines. Qais: Never happened to me before. Ross: ? http://tinyurl.com/yv9zvt Eliza: Dude, what the FUCK. Ross: No one should pass out while eating. Eliza: Okay, yes, Ross now only communicates in cat macros, but he really said everything I was hoping to. Qais: I didn’t pass out while eating. Qais: I was asleep in my bed. Qais: I woke up on my couch, eating crackers. Eliza: Sleep eating is a symptom of morbid obesity. Eliza: Or maybe it’s the other way around, I forget. Qais: I do like crackers. Eliza: Anyway, the point we’re all trying to make here is that you’re weird. And probably fat. Eliza: Ross, back me up here. Ross: ^^
In sheer defiance of the World Wide Web Consortium's will, Ectomo was designed using a non-web-standard font. Luckily, it is included in the excellent font pack released by the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society, which can be freely downloaded in Mac and PC formats here. Ectomo should still look fine without it, though.
