“Being in demand as an actor hasn’t changed my lifestyle or my Malt Liquor. The Bull. It’s big and bold.”

—Richard Roundtree (Thespian, moustache enthusiast, and Malt Liquor connoisseur.)

Many are familiar with the rejuvenating properties of a bottle of Vitamin Water following an evening spent waging a campaign of genocide on one’s own braincells. Yet while replenishing depleted stores of ephemeral get-up-and-go, Vitamin Water lacks that certain something, that special ingredient that truly puts the spring back in the step of an otherwise lackluster, shuffling crawl. That ingredient? Why, meat of course!

It’s already been proven that household objects are made better with a hot meat infusion, it’s only logical that water too would benefit from an addition of nature’s delicious murder-candy. Now the choice between sating the rumbling nausea of a vicious hangover or enduring the slings and arrows of outrageous five foot trips to the kitchen (and the ensuing near-sysiphean 2 minute wait for that damn burrito to cook all the way through) is made all the more easy. Simply lie back and sup from the bountiful teat of water that satisfies all the needs of the terminally self-dehydrated. They even make Eliza’s favorite flavor!

MeatWater [Human Under Construction]

After a dozen years of tyrannical Prohibition, the people of our once proud and great nation had finally cracked. I know it sounds far fetched but bear with me, the mental decimation of North America at the hands of 12 years of sobriety at gunpoint and poisonous, bathtub concocted tonics explains everything.

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Meet Corey Delaney, 16 of Melbourne, Australia and his “famous” glasses. Corey is being interviewed by a stern, buxom blond because he threw a party while his parents were on vacation, and when young Master Delaney throws a party, sometimes it involves over five hundred people and requires the attention of thirty police officers, a police helicopter, and the police dog squad. The raucous party goers caused an estimated twenty thousand dollars in damage which Corey or, more likely, Mr. and Mrs. Delaney may have to pay for.

Corey, for his part and to the frustration of the aforementioned buxom anchorwoman, seems unrepentant, and really, why should he? Shirtless, so as to better show off his single, pierced nipple, wearing a hat that he may have taken from a preteen girl or a mentally retarded woman, and glasses which are, as mentioned earlier, “famous” he has his whole life ahead of him. The world is his drunken oyster.

It makes me glad then, dear readers, that I do not live in a country, colonized by murderers, rapists, and thieves, that would produce a jackass of Corey Delaney’s caliber and instead live in a country, colonized by religious zealots who wanted to outlaw Christmas and which has never, ever, afforded people the liberty of such spectacular idiocy.

Best Street Party Ever - Parents Yet To Find Out [YouTube] : Nothing To Do With Arbroath : Guardian Unlimited