One minute you’re digging through someone’s garbage can and the next some hairless ape has killed you, stuffed your corpse, and put you on display holding a serving tray bearing your own genitals.

The Fossils of SoHo [bioephemera]

Few things cool the white hot passions of unfulfilled lust more than the awkward search through a sock drawer for a dusty box of rubbers. For this Ectomo has no solution, but shouldn’t you be spreading the gospel of Octobee rather than engaging in filthy fluid exchange anyway?

However we are not without understanding, realizing that even the followers of Octobee need occasionally distract themselves with the myriad pleasures of original sin. While we may offer no salvation from your awkward fumblings we do offer an alternative. Why not simply scare the ever-living shit out of the object of your amorous intent with a handgun shaped rubber dispensary? They’ll either be absolutely terrified (which is likely to be more amusing than a bit of sweaty grunting in pairs anyway) or they’ll be inflamed with a passion born of the immediate threat of violence, and you’ll have me to thank for your newfound comrade in coital deviancy.

Mavo’s Elegantly Luring Toys [Pingmag : cribcandy

On any given day you can turn on the news, read a feed, or simply walk in the world around you and observe the myriad ways in which our fellow man meet their maker. Freak pig bathing accidents, shampoo bottle intimacy gone horribly wrong, or getting caught in Eliza’s path on all you can eat pork day; all fairly common ways to die, none of which really bring honor to the victim. But to die in the slimy grip of a tentacle, even while suffering the indignity of an octopi’s curious limb, is a death worthy of even the most heroic that stalk the hallowed halls of Valhalla.

Josh Taylor [Juxtapoz]

Some people love Jesus and some people, perhaps, wish to make love to Jesus. These people usually listen to Christian rock or form a Christian rock band. However, if you find that neither of these options appeal to you or that you lack the musical “talent”, there is the Inflatable, Love-Making Jesus. Features include a “Sopping Wet, Hungry Mouth” and an “Oversized Male Clitoris”, lest the word “penis” make you feel in the slightest bit like a homosexual as you sodomize your savior. For an extra two dollars you can upgrade the son of God with natural hair. Get one today or give one as a gift! The very real, very NSFW picture for this very fake product can be seen in all its glory after the jump.
Continue Reading…

Eliza has a problem. Due to an inner ear infection, a belly full of Red Bull, a pair of 14 inch platform boots with drunken goldfish in the heels and a Cosmo-Kramer-esque sense of internal equilibrium, the illustrious Ms. Gauger managed to trip and drop her cherished MacBook Pro upon the cold concrete ground. Kersmash.

Now the screen doesn’t work. Eliza took it to Apple and they are quoting a repair price of an astonishing eight hundred dollars. Now, Eliza may be an asexual shrew with genitalia as shriveled and desiccated as the corpse of a sea snail transplanted to the Sahara, but she knows when she’s being boned.

She’s looking for other options, preferably (but not necessarily) in the Oakland, California area. Do we have any maverick repair gurus in the audience? Eliza can pay, but it needs to be far more reasonable than what Apple is charging. We’d all like to see her get through this, especially since she is working on some sickeningly cool stuff for Ectomo to roll out in the New Year. In addition to paying cash money, we can also distribute plush Cthulhus to anyone who can help get this sorted.

If you can help, or have a suggestion, either drop us a line in the comments or email Eliza at eliza.gauger KRUNK! gmail.com, where KRUNK! is an at symbol.