The feature film knockoff is arguably the most celebrated pornographic genre, not so much for the films themselves but their inventive titles. That statement is, however, a bit misleading considering that most of these titles are, in fact, fake. Still, it is perhaps far more palatable for many to imagine films like Schindler’s Fist or How Stella Got Her tubes Packed than to acknowledge the vast cornucopia of filth that can be found through even the most innocuous of unfiltered Google searches.

Regardless, knockoff porno has, of course, been made; but few have produced the atrocity that is 1973’s Bat Pussy. After the introduction from a sharp dressed man — who may or may not have been the inspiration for John Travolta as he prepared for the roll of Vincent Vega — who informs us that, should we not wish to view a porno we probably should have paid more attention to the neon signs when we entered the theater, the movie proper begins. We are informed that in a secret underground warehouse, Adora Dildo, a.k.a. Bat Pussy is waiting patiently for her “twat to twitch”, which it seems is a sign that a crime is going to be committed, like a vaginal Spider-sense.

This apparently occurs, for Bat Pussy emerges, now costumed, from an outhouse, leaps onto a red rubber ball and proceeds to bounce across a rural landscape in what must be the most inefficient mode of transportation one could employ, short of getting from place to place by doing “The Worm”. Aware of this shortcoming, our white trash heroine makes a bee-line for the scene, stopping only to foil the plans of a lecherous, portly man who attempts to accost a young woman and to urinate, which she probably should have done back at the outhouse before she left.

Eventually she arrives and here, thankfully, this edit ends as what follows would have been unpleasant. It seems that the crime was, in fact, the filming of a porno:

Picture a beehived redhead Trailer Trash chick in her 40’s from Tennessee doing some MAJOR shit-talking to an impotent hillbilly while rolling around naked on a bed trying to copulate.

No. No I think I shan’t. I’ve seen more than enough and, really, some things are better left unseen.

BAT PUSSY! Worst porn ever made! (SFW edit) [YouTube] : Hugo Strikes Back! : Dis and Pandemonium

Not everyone was blessed enough to have spent their childhood in a creaky old Victorian estate, rife with secrets and long forgotten storage as those types of places tend to be. I count myself among the lucky few, and a large portion of my childhood was whiled away adventuring through dusty, cobwebbed corridors and dark root cellars hidden from the untrained eye.

Thankfully, Creative Home Engineering, a contracting firm in Phoenix, is in the business of providing just such an experience without requiring a centuries old homestead in a tiny town on the Eastern seaboard. For a price these architectural esoterics will outfit your abode with all manner of secret passageways and hidden doors either for the delight of your curious kidlings or simply to provide a secret respite from the aforementioned spawn.

#11490 [NotCot : Creative Home Engineering]