Last we’d heard from little Jimbles McGullohanie, our pint-sized paladin had departed on a noble quest to brutally rape all alien life in the universe. With a tragic legacy of abduction behind him, and an inability to distinguish one Un-Earthman from another ahead, our hero has made the terrifying resolution to spread his blanket of colonic revenge across the stars.
But let it never be said that forcing yourself on all the moist orificii that space has to offer is a thankless task. Having received a radio transmission from Mr. McGullohanie (and a postcard which screamed and burst into flame immediately after being read) I’m pleased to report that all is well! Here we see none other than the questionably moral anal-missionary himself, chatting up a denizen of one of the many exotic locales he’s traversed in his long journey.
Ross: Ok, why is Grace Jones so fucking creepy? Qais: I think she and Seal are vampires. Qais: Maybe aliens? Ross: Grace Jones could be an alien, Ross: or a robot constructed by aliens. Qais: Dude Seal is totally an alien, Qais: or a vampire. Qais: I’m ok with either, really. Ross: I hadn’t thought about Seal, to be honest. Qais: Oooh! Qais: Maybe they’re alien vampires! Ross: … Ross: Maybe.
Those Alpha-Centauri cluster bastards didn’t know who they were messing with when they absconded with little Jimbles McGüllohanie. You see, Little Jimbles was the latest in a long line of abductees, a paternal legacy of ending up on the business end of an alien probe worn smooth as a riverbed stone by centuries of scientific investigation.
It’s no surprise then that he was hell-bent on being the first man in his family to go his whole life without suffering the indignity of obscene extraterrestrial curiosity; it was his only ambition from the very moment he’d learned his family’s dark secret. The day those space hopping fuckers stole his dream from him (and subsequently his anal virginity) they spelled their own doom. As you can see by his brutal arsenal of alien destruction, Jimbles aims to take his vengeance through the skin.
Oh sure, you can take Xenu into your heart, but can you put him on your toy shelf? Sadly, still no, as this is the only custom Xenu toy that Jin Saotome has done. However, our sources deep within the convoluted Scientology network tell us that once you reach Level 17 you’re awarded a Xenu figurine of your very own.
Picking up pets offworld was generally frowned upon by the Company, as there were no quarantine facilities beyond the Oort.
Foreign mammalia carried strange strains of crippling flu, shed itchy fibers on cockpit upholstery, and left crumbly little fewmets in secret places, fewmets that became apparent, and airborne, as soon as a ship hit ohgee.
The trend by couture designers to take inspiration for their advertising campaigns from surreal art is a most welcome one. Prada’s Spring-Summer 2008 line is advertised with the work above, which while beautiful, at times suffers from the translation of static image to dynamic. Artist James Jean produced the storyboards for the film, which are more stunning than the video by dint of not having to move. Particularly interesting are James’ flower/insect concept sketches, the delicate petals of each blossom supported on the shelled stilts of a beetle; so alien they seem to have sprung from Alice’s Incongruous Wonderland, in which the fields of chittering tulips scuttle and sway with the wind.
A Chinese website is claiming to have found photographic proof of aliens on Mars. The picture, found after thoroughly analyzing photos taken by NASA’S Mars Exploration Rover Spirit, seems to show a figure walking across the Martian landscape.
According to The Daily Mail, the internet has been “abuzz” with speculation as to what this may or may not be. Cries of “Proof!”, “Shopped!”, “Optical illusion!”, and “Bigfoot!” have been heard, echoing across the tubes. A larger, 43MB panoramic version can be found here.
Kudos to the Japanese television program Ultraman for standing up and saying what we have all been afraid to say but know to be true, namely that the physically handicapped are all maniacal villains who, given the chance, would destroy us all. Witness what happens when this crutch-bound gentleman gets his crippled hands on a strange stone, with the ability to turn into a man in a monster suit with trowels for ears. You’ll never go in a hotel pool again once you’ve seen said monster, in a bikini, frolicking in the water. Simply horrible.
An apple cheeked Russian child docks satellite and space ship in preparation to rain nuclear terror down on the world, ensuring a white Christmas across the globe.
1. Potapych: Bear Who Loved Vodka
Why is it easier to make friends than keep them? The fable of Potapych and his pet hobo teaches us to be good, drink milk, and think of Russia.
2. Gnap-Gnap
The power of foley sound grants flight to an inflatable monster, who bears his Moebius-inspired master aloft.
3. Sam and Max Hit the Road: Intro
The animated lead-in to the classic LucasArts adventure. I desperately miss these voice actors.
4. Sam & Max: Our Bewildering Universe
A more recent Steve Purcell short, done in his inimitable style and perfect pace.
5. Sam and Max Episode 13
“Nice wedding so far!”
“I think the commissioner would support our decision to employ rubber ammo and tear gas at this point, ha ha!”
6. The Running Man
A short from Liquid Television that made an immense impression on me as a child. I still couldn’t give you a reliable synopsis, however.
7. Ergo Proxy: Episode 1
A newish anime that has more style and grace than anything I’ve seen since FLCL. After the first three episodes, it devolves into typical anime mush and become unwatchable, but until then it’s brilliant. The plot revolves around a wireless virus that impregnates androids with self-awareness. In a society built on the tireless backs of ubiquitous service drones, programmed into selfless slaves, a taste of freedom is civilization-threatening. Pay special attention to the costume designs and sound effects, which even on YouTube, have real panache.
8. Memories: Magnetic Rose
A crew of freelance space salvagers stumbles on what looks like a lush haul. I think saying a ything more would endanger the horror and sensitivity of what follows. You can thank Stickypig for this. This is part of a full-length anime with three different stories within, only one of which, this one, have I seen. And it is positively some of the best science fiction currently on film.
In sheer defiance of the World Wide Web Consortium's will, Ectomo was designed using a non-web-standard font. Luckily, it is included in the excellent font pack released by the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society, which can be freely downloaded in Mac and PC formats here. Ectomo should still look fine without it, though.
