Science: Making A Better Baby Brander
Posted by Ross Rosenberg
I cannot even begin to tell you just how difficult being a rancher is at times. Used to be you could stake your claim to a parcel of land, put up some barb wire fence, and let your neonates out to graze. If one of them broke loose, it was simply a matter of leaving out some formula baited traps and waiting. With the explosion in demand for infant meat though, more and more people got in on the baby game and the threat of rustling has become a very real problem.
Thanks to modern science, however, baby barons now have a weapon to fight these thieves. This simple, hand held device uses ultraviolet light to brand your babies, making them easily identifiable. Now you can rest easy knowing that, should some dastardly thief abscond with some of your prized, free-range babies, you — and the sheriff — will have the ability to quickly identify them which means more hangings and, hopefully, less baby rustling. Yes indeed, it’s Science and frontier justice working hand in hand.
So the next time your family sits down to a nice, baby dinner raise a glass to Science; branding our babies today, for a tasty, more secure tomorrow.
New Sun Lamp Held in Hand Brands Babies (Dec, 1938) [Modern Mechanix]
Categories: Babies, Cannibalism, Science
Posted at 11:46 am on August 6, 2008
7 Comments -
My question is why this never caught on with adults. I mean, doing your branding with a modified soldering iron is sooo last year- if you’re gonna go to the club scene now, you better have an ironic image of Lenin dancing with an iPod stenciled into the small of your back with the precision and clarity that only concentrated UV rays can provide.
Comment by Joe Shadows — August 6, 2008 @ 1:19 pm
Speaking of baby dinners, is it me or is that ‘mother’ figure in the photo ready to partake in a delicacy of fine, neonate flesh? That crazed look in her eye as if the tender vittles of infant muscle were addictive and she is suffering a withdraw is just a little questionable.
Comment by epheros — August 6, 2008 @ 1:41 pm
How to make a better baby brander:
two words…
“Hot Iron”
Comment by Chiablo — August 6, 2008 @ 6:20 pm
A second option just popped into my head:
“Waffle Iron”
Comment by Chiablo — August 6, 2008 @ 6:29 pm
You guys are DISGUSTING.
That UV crap probably makes babies carcinogenic. Are you trying to poison your customers? these are wholesome babies, not the terrors of booze and cigarettes that I eat babies specifically to avoid! I demand to know is if this technique is approved by the FDA!
Comment by Vinnchan — August 6, 2008 @ 11:00 pm
Far better than the current embedded RFID system as well, no more chipped teeth or strained bowel movements.
Comment by Nark — August 6, 2008 @ 11:27 pm
Excellent datagram as usual Ross, thank you for your report. However, these days implanted GPS transceivers are far more effective in monitoring free-range offspring. The high density radio waves emitted by the transceivers are almost certainly more carcinogenic than the brief blast of UV radiation from the brand, but only over a long period of time. Fortunately most ranch-raised offspring will not be around long enough to suffer their effect.
Comment by Armchair Tyrant — August 9, 2008 @ 9:41 pm