Russians Doing Their “O” Face

My own particular genetic mutation is the ability to mentally redirect every fluid ounce of blood roiling through my capillaries into my head.

What happens is this: first, my eyes go milky and begin to google wildly around inside of my ocular cavities. My chapped lips peel back from my teeh and split back to my ear lips in a horrible, chattering rictus. Witnesses describe somehow hearing a soundless, silent scream as my fluid-filled skull turns a deep bruise color and, pulsing, bulbously expands. My retinas detach as the internal pressure pushes my eyeballs out of their sockets on thick, dripping stalks. And if I ever let myself go beyond this point, I have no doubt that my skull would explode, instantly covering several city blogs in a slurry of grey cerebral goo.

You think I’m joking. I’m not joking. It is a display that a hydrocephalic of my acquaintance once described as an abomination unto the sight of God.

Unlike the X-Men, I have never managed to find a way to use this talent for good, but I did spend many years cluelessly demonstrating this ability on first dates. The joke was a good one: I’d cause my skull to explode, then explain, “This is what my face looks like during orgasm.” Unfortunately, women only like guys with a good sense of humor up to a certain point, and that point seems to be the prospect of making love to a man who, during the highest moment of pleasure, suddenly transforms into Ronny Cox from the end of Total Recall.

I’ve stopped doing this trick for now, but for reference, this haunting gallery of Russian men demonstrating their O-face is a slightly less nightmarish equivalent.

Russians Doing Their ‘O’ Face [Webpark.Ru] : Hugo Strikes Back!