Mattress Mounted Munitions
Posted by Ross Rosenberg
Q: I already have a shotgun handy. Why not keep it where I have it?
A: Because you would have to get up and find it, losing valuable time.
And really, that’s the problem isn’t it? I don’t know about you but I use my shotgun for everything: turning off light, opening cans, erotic massages. Everything. And it’s always with me. However, it’s infuriating that, morning after morning, I have to get out of bed to shut off my alarm clock because my shotgun is just out of reach.
Well, the makers of The Back-Up know this feeling well. The Back-Up is a gun rack that is placed under your mattress, allowing you easy access to your shotgun when “in the lying position in your bed”. Presumably this makes it easier to take down the intruder who breaks into your boudoir, looking to run off with your jewelry and/or your woman or for when, your eyes and brain both still cloudy with sleep, you blow the heads off of little Bobby and Jane as they burst in on Christmas morning.
Back-Up Home Protection [Product Site] : CORE77
Categories: Ads, Television, Products, Small Children, Crime, Advertising
Posted at 2:14 pm on October 17, 2007
15 Comments -
Is even that really close enough?
I know I personally sleep curled up into the fetus position, cradling all of my guns in my nervously twitching arms.
Comment by Mike — October 17, 2007 @ 2:35 pm
That scares the living shit out of me
Comment by Pete — October 17, 2007 @ 3:36 pm
Personally I find the notion of mounted guns right there on the bed oddly appealing. Now if only they made some kind of a turret, and possibly trauma plates…
Really, though, it’s not all that scary until you get to the bit about “many customers are buying one for each side of the bed”. Because if there’s anything better than sleeping with one shotgun, it’s sleeping with two shotguns.
Comment by Some Internet Guy — October 17, 2007 @ 5:18 pm
I have an uzi with an adjustable should mount that I spoon with when I go to bed.
Comment by Ninja-bot — October 17, 2007 @ 6:09 pm
This seems like a fantastically bad idea. Beyond the ‘blowing little Bobby’s head off on Christmas morning’ scenario that Ross already laid out, there is also the ‘Billy is pissed of at Jenny for breaking his Optimus Prime action figure’ scenario to consider. Or perhaps the ‘The wife had to pee in the middle of the night and was too loud coming back into the bedroom and you filled her full of 00 buckshot’ scenario to consider as well.
Also, one for each side of the bed? Does the little lady need a piece, too? Why not just mount the damn things on the headboard as well? Or put up a fucking automated turret just inside of the bedroom door?
Jesus Christ. America scares me sometimes.
Comment by Oni — October 17, 2007 @ 7:39 pm
Right, look, just because someone owns a gun (as I did until the Great Fire of Last Week), does not mean that they are a homicidal kook just waiting for their moment to go Columbine.
It also doesn’t mean that they are going to reach for their boom stick at the first little midnight noise they don’t recognize.
That said, this is still a fantastically bad idea.
Comment by Racerabbit — October 17, 2007 @ 8:06 pm
Actually, I find the idea of going to bed *fully prepared* rather appealing. That’s why I’ve retrofitted my bed not only with shotguns, but also with a handgun that fires silver bullets, a selection of wooden stakes, and a vial of Dr. Jekyll’s Magic Mixture. You really cannot be too safe.
Comment by CJ — October 17, 2007 @ 9:02 pm
I live in what is typically termed “the ghetto.” So, theoretically, I’m just the sort of person who actually needs the protection of a loaded shotgun by my bed. But to me, this doesn’t seem worth the risk. The few extra seconds it takes to grab my handgun and unlock it are seconds for me to become more aware, more awake. Those seconds could mean the difference between a young man going to juvenile hall and realizing that he doesn’t really want to be a criminal, or just becoming another case of wasted potential.
Comment by Robert — October 17, 2007 @ 11:01 pm
It seems more efficient to put it over the headboard. I guess people don’t want to reach up in the middle of the night. Under the best just seems awkward to me. Maybe its because I have a high bed. Seriously though, I have a device that will buy you the time you need to take the gun out of a drawer or even load it before you are in any real threat. Its called a lock, its a simple device that fits right on the bedroom door. A bolt comes out of the door into the frame thereby locking it in place. If you are this paranoid, you may want to look into it. Besides, what if you have kids? What if someone breaks into your house when you’re not home? Guns are the first thing they look for after cash and before Jewelry. Why leave it where they would find it? Not to mention it doesn’t look like it would hold a mossberg with a folding stock or pistol grip.
Comment by Hlaode — October 18, 2007 @ 2:23 am
But what about ghost burglars? They can go right through that door like it wasn’t there.
Yeah, I don’t see how it can be fitted for more than a very specific configuration of sporting gun. It’s basically a solid slab of steel, looks like to me. And in this day and age, that’s not enough. I don’t feel safe unless I’ve got, oh, a tactical Saiga with one of those 20rd drum mags and a couple loaded spares attached to my bedframe.
Comment by Some Internet Guy — October 18, 2007 @ 5:12 am
If you mounted one on each side of the bed and loaded them up with Yosamite Sam’s revolvers - the ones that allow him to hover when he fires them at the ground - you could try using it as a bed propulsion system. The perfect way to get to work while having that little extra lie in.
Comment by Scott — October 18, 2007 @ 7:01 am
Can’t we just use hand puppets like in the olde days?
Comment by Rikki Simons — October 18, 2007 @ 8:20 am
This really ignores all the other wonderful options for home protection available for the discerning redneck. Why not a quick release knife rack on the bedside table? Maybe a small catapult to fling ballons of caustic chemicals at eye level towards bad guys? If you’re the do-it-yourself type, you could build a bear trap in front of the door; just make sure to deactivate it before going for your 3am bathroom visit!
For fucks sake, whetaver happened to beating the shit out of a burglar with a Louisville Slugger? C’mon people, it’s the national pastime!
PS: Ban guns.
Comment by etho — October 18, 2007 @ 8:30 pm
I had two of these but I lost one in the divorce settlement that followed our post-coital, point-blank, under-the-covers shootout. I won the firefight, as my readers might expect, but my ex’s estate got everything for medical and funeral expenses. Her yuppie lawyer says he uses it to hang his bicycle on at night.
Comment by Mogo the mmoMugger — October 21, 2007 @ 3:12 am
[…] profiled other bedroom protection accessories before but they pale in comparison to the level of protection offered by the Quantum Sleeper, a device […]
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