Combination Smoking Pipe / Pistol Symbolically Significant

As the random homosexuals on AIM keep reminding me — the ones who keep on bubbling up on instant messenger to quiz me about my professed interest in pipes while rubbing their wet, bloated tongues sensually around their mouths — pipes are phallic, and sucking on one is about as gay as it gets.

This depresses me, but not as much as do the random homosexuals who answer the phone when I call the suicide hotline with the barrel of a pistol in my mouth — the ones who triumphantly chortle from the other end, “A gun? In the mouth? How phallic! Honey, come out already!”

I’ll tell you, a heterosexual of staunch carnal rectitude, an appreciation for the ethereal gastronomy of pipe smoking and a history of wildly fluctuating suicidal tendencies just can’t win. I’m getting to the point where I’m ready to just hit eBay, pick up one of these wonderful (but doubleplus phallic) pipe/pistol combos and confirm all suspicions of my closeted gayness once and for all in a symbolically fraught suicide ceremony.

Pipe Shoots Through Its Stem [Modern Mechanix]