The Internet: New Reasons to Suicide, Every Single Day

You see Mr. Mayberry had unknowingly been issuing forth into my lovely polished tubes the drek of unsolicited email oft advertising creams with which to increase the length and breadth of your manhood or the ferocity of your disgusting organic spurtings. Mr. Mayberry was shocked! “How did this happen?!” he asked. “Well sir, you have a virus on your machine that comes with a set in instructions that tell it to send out email while it runs in the background so you’re unaware of it’s existence.” was my reply. “But how did that happen?” he repeated, which is actually fairly standard when you’re telling someone that the sanctity of their digital realm has been violated. Remembering that there has been a rash of e-card based virus payload spam going around recently I asked if he had recently gotten any e-cards and if so had he opened them.

Mr. Mayberry took a moment to reply. The pause itself felt loaded.

“Well…yeah…but, y’know..it was my birthday just a couple days ago and…y’know, I just thought maybe those were real.”

Mr. Mayberry’s Melancholy [In Qais of Emergency: photo by Chromogenic]