I’m Never Going Back In The Water

Having spent my formative years in a beachside community I’ve had ample opportunity to be exposed to all manner of the strange and wonderful wildlife that inhabits the sea. I realize that sometimes when the world of men and the briney deep interact one risks injury to varying degrees. But generally, the creatures of the ocean that can really hurt you, that want to really hurt you, tend to advertise their malice by looking exactly like something that can, and will, ruin your day.

But shrimp? Shrimp?!

Shrimp are things they serve children in restaurants, battered and fried and innocuous as the day is long. Shrimp are supposed to sit politely on the rims of cut-glass cocktail sauce bowls, waiting to fulfill their tasty purpose, not chew off my god damn toes when I step into the water. My reaction may seem somewhat alarmist, I admit, but the sea and I have a history of violence.

The first attack on my dainty feet came by way of a horseshoe crab when I was a youngster, but they’ve got fairly obviously dangerous tails and you should watch where you walk on a beach full of horseshoe crabs. It couldn’t have been a barb purposefully aimed at my tiny pink appendages, could it?

I think the video above speaks for itself, my friends. I’m declaring war on the ocean.

Mantis Shrimp [Dark Roasted Blend]