If you’re ruptured, John G. Homan, director of the New Science Institute and reformed Moleman, has the solution for you and he wants very much to show it to you. With this simple coupon he will send you a sample of his strange, air-breathing, flesh-soft substance that may or may not leap from the package and force itself up your nostrils, digging through your skull before attaching itself to your brain stem, turning you into a zombie, thereby adding you to the ranks of his unstoppable army which he shall use to rule the world.

Still, it’s got to be better than that horrible hernia pain, right?

If Ruptured… (Sep, 1930) [Modern Mechanix]

I cannot even begin to tell you just how difficult being a rancher is at times. Used to be you could stake your claim to a parcel of land, put up some barb wire fence, and let your neonates out to graze. If one of them broke loose, it was simply a matter of leaving out some formula baited traps and waiting. With the explosion in demand for infant meat though, more and more people got in on the baby game and the threat of rustling has become a very real problem.

Thanks to modern science, however, baby barons now have a weapon to fight these thieves. This simple, hand held device uses ultraviolet light to brand your babies, making them easily identifiable. Now you can rest easy knowing that, should some dastardly thief abscond with some of your prized, free-range babies, you — and the sheriff — will have the ability to quickly identify them which means more hangings and, hopefully, less baby rustling. Yes indeed, it’s Science and frontier justice working hand in hand.

So the next time your family sits down to a nice, baby dinner raise a glass to Science; branding our babies today, for a tasty, more secure tomorrow.

New Sun Lamp Held in Hand Brands Babies (Dec, 1938) [Modern Mechanix]

After a dozen years of tyrannical Prohibition, the people of our once proud and great nation had finally cracked. I know it sounds far fetched but bear with me, the mental decimation of North America at the hands of 12 years of sobriety at gunpoint and poisonous, bathtub concocted tonics explains everything.

Continue Reading…

A Listerine advertisement from Physical Culture, “The Personal Problem Magazine”, illustrating, quite clearly, the direct relation between halitosis and her ability to fulfill her duties as a women in society and land a husband:

5,000,000 young women become of marriageable age this year… How many of them, we wonder, will make the grade?

One thing is certain; they can’t expect to attract and hold men if they have halitosis (unpleasant breath). It nullifies every other charm.

So next time you’re stuffing your frothing craw with garlic knots ladies, remember to use some mouthwash after you finish, lest your horrid breath drive away Mr. Right, condemning you to life in a convent or looking after a few dozen cats.

YOU 5,000,000 WOMEN WHO WANT TO GET MARRIED: How’s Your Breath Today? (Nov, 1934) [Modern Mechanix]

Behold, beloved Ectomites, the future of sport! Witness the vicious blood feud between Man and Machine; the brutal ballet of Masters of The Sweet Science within the Squared Circle! Thrill as Gladiators with Guts of Gears do battle against the best biological brawlers our species has to offer, the pinnacle of pugilistic perfection! You can’t afford to miss this never in a lifetime event! Free alluvion of alliteration when you mention this post!

Tickets at the door or order by Broca implant.

“I Can Whip Any Mechanical Robot” by Jack Dempsey (Apr, 1934) [Modern Mechanix]

The December 1930 issue of Modern Mechanics looks at one ultra-plausible, ultra-scientific possible fate for humanity: colossal longhorn beetles rampaging through our metropolises and gobbling down our dapper business men. Grimly confirmed by an actual college professor in his cups somewhere!

The article is actually a bit less ridiculous than you’d expect, but it sure does take some bizarre turns on its way to convincing us that mankind’s future is filled with man-eating giant insects:

Dr. Andrews told of treating a Mongol brigand who had been shot in the leg with an ancient blunderbuss loaded with nails and rusty scrap iron. When Andrews saw the patient, gangrene was so bad and the maggots so thick a giant syringe, used to treat sick camels, was necessary to wash the wound.

Monster Insects Will Rule The World! [My Post On SciFi Scanner] : Will Monster Insects Rule The World? [Modern Mechanix] : Boing Boing Gadgets

I am constantly reminded of just how difficult a woman’s life is. I am well versed in the entire catalog of Harrowing Tales of Female Oppression. My other has so well indoctrinated in me the canon of Vaginal Unfairness that she no longer even has to keep my testicles in a jar. I am well trained and, therefore, can be trusted with them. With that in mind, I submit this article from a January, 1937 issue of Modern Mechanix entitled “Proving Women Also Have Ideas”.

“Queen of women inventors is Miss Beulah Louise Henry of New York, above. She has earned the title of ‘Lady Edison’ with 43 patents in the past decade for inventions ranging from dolls to sewing machines. One of her most unusual products is a snap-on parasol which permits a woman to have an umbrella to match each frock. She also has devised many things for the aid of office workers.”

Woe to you, the naysayers! Here, now, is irrefutable proof! Had you any doubts, the accomplishments of Miss Henry will surely have laid them to rest.

Proving Women Also Have Ideas [Modern Mechanix]