The Deal Of A Lifetime
Posted by Qais Fulton
When I first saw one of these things my immediate reaction was, “Sweet! Space-toilets!” It took about 2.5 seconds for me to realize that these would not be the space-toilets that years of sci-fi TV had indoctrinated me to expect. There would be no automatic doors, no spongy material carpeting everything in sight, no toilet to thank me in calm tones for unleashing the wrath of the space-burrito into its glistening, chromed orifice before misting the air with rose perfume.
But I had to look anyway. I mean, come on, how many chances do you get to look inside a space-toilet? And it had just been installed that very day. The varied and vibrant street-life of Seattle couldn’t have caked the insides of the thing with their full palette of horror in less than 12 hours could they?
Lesson learned: Never underestimate the crackhead population of Seattle.
With the cautious push of a button the doors slowly parted with the hiss that all space-toilet doors make — and that is where the dream died. It was as if someone had surreptitiously come by with a tanker truck and hosed down the inside with a fine slurry of every human byproduct in nature, topping it off with a light dusting of syringes for maximum effect.
To be perfectly honest, I was kind of impressed. In what couldn’t have been more than six hours this thing had been turned into the bleeding edge of biochemical weaponry. And while I hate to ask this, try to imagine what they were like after four years, because that’s how long they stood.
“I’m not going to lie: I used to smoke crack in there,” said one homeless woman, Veronyka Cordner, nodding toward the toilet behind Pike Place Market. “But I won’t even go inside that thing now. It’s disgusting.”
Apparently, Porta-Johns from space are supposed to clean themselves with a technology they use in the future to turn hypodermic needles and used toilet paper into after dinner mints, but for whatever reason it didn’t work properly and was thus decommissioned. So now that the city of Seattle has let them become so infused with chemicals and egestions that you’d probably get really awful superpowers if you were unwise enough to go in one, we’ve decided as a community to sell them on eBay.
That’s right folks! Now’s your chance to own a piece of history! As the auction clearly points out, these things are still pretty god-damn awful, as we know the discriminating tastes of this item’s future owner require absolute authenticity. And it’s all for the low, low price of $89,000. Act now and we’ll even throw in a genuine weekender crustpunk, slumming it for 48 hours because it’s way uncool to be loved, clean, and well-fed.
Seattle’s Filthy, Prostitute-Ridden Automated Public Toilets Now Available on eBay [Seattle : Gizmodo : NYTimes]
Categories: Auctions, Disappointing Revelations, Malt Liquor, Micturation, Prostitution, Rail, Seattle, Street art, The Future!, Toilets, UFOs, Wrath of the Space-Burrito
Posted at 12:30 am on July 18, 2008
6 Comments -
Still, it’s larger than many apartments in New York.
Comment by eltiburo — July 18, 2008 @ 2:05 am
We have at least one of those in Vancouver, BC. Shockingly it does manage to clean itself; it’s been quite clean every time I’ve poked my head in. Judging by the photo though, it’s a totally different model, if not manufacturer.
I wonder, how many companies make automatic toilets? An odd question, to say the least.
Comment by Frankie23 — July 18, 2008 @ 5:40 am
Under push of necessity, I ventured into one of these in San Diego. There were very few, and very vague, instructions. I am a veteran science-fiction reader, which makes me cautious. The thing is automated. That’s Asking For It. What if the door won’t open? What if it won’t close? What if it opens at the wrong time? Does the light inside work? Do you flush it, or not? If so, how? I was tempted to block the door open with a stick, just in case. After I was ‘done,’ I made the door open (I can’t remember how). Outside was an alien urban landscape, silent and eerie, a strange sun glaring down. I was still in San Diego. The biggest design failure in this toilet is its lack of a ringbolt to which to tether your horse or bicycle. The one I visited was clean.
Comment by Mogothe Mugger — July 20, 2008 @ 6:04 pm
- Creepie Cool.
Comment by KaT — July 21, 2008 @ 1:40 am
I’ve heard that Toronto has ordered a bunch of these on the same day that Seattle began decommissioning them. Apparently there are two things that should discourage the fecal slurry and crack smoking. The first is the prohibitive ($1) entry fee to use the damn thing, and the second is that the system has a timer on it, to prevent you from staying longer than necessary. And, no the doors don’t simply open (though that would be awesome); an alarm goes off and a cop comes by to ask how you’re doing in there.
Comment by Zuckervati — July 21, 2008 @ 2:55 pm
i really want to see this concept work. i don’t so much think it’s the design as much as the people (sorry to offend). but, as a woman and a frequent “pee-er” i have a lot of thoughts about public restrooms. i grew up in seattle and now live in new york city (manhattan). i have NEVER experienced so many “dainty” women that pee aallll over toilet seats and leave it all behind (i should add that i have lived in other large cities in the country as well). in fact, the other day an uppity woman (in her 50′s) with her little dog at columbus circle made her mess. one of these days when my “seattleness” fully wears off i will confront the prepetrator(s). so, as i come off my soapox, it’s the users not the concept. druggies, messy pee-ers, dirty people, they can’t seem to remember that others will come after them and/or that others do have the job of cleaning up after them.
Comment by a — April 6, 2009 @ 9:41 pm