The Boogeyman Protection Of Yesterday For The Terrorists Of Today
Posted by Ross Rosenberg
As a child you may remember the moments of abject terror that you felt between the time when the lights in your room being switched off and when you passed out from sheer exhaustion. Those minutes stretched themselves into hours as you huddled, alert to even the slightest sound, under your blanket, its protective shell broken only by a small opening in order to allow fresh, cool air to enter so that you could breathe. Wrapped in your cloth cocoon you were safe from Closet Monsters, Boogeymen, and Dire Otters.
Fast forward and you have, hopefully, outgrown your fear of the dark. Certainly, such ridiculous fears like being torn apart by over-sized aquatic mammals are best left in the hazy land of childhood. You know now as an adult — older, wiser, and with a trail of life experiences behind you — that such fears are totally unfounded, especially when cast in the light of real threats like Natural Disaster, Terrorism, and People — No Doubt Minorities — Coming To Take Your Stuff.
We’ve profiled other bedroom protection accessories before but they pale in comparison to the level of protection offered by the Quantum Sleeper, a device that takes the protective blanket and replaces it with a bulletproof shell, complete with a bevy of features from a rebreather and “Biochemical Filtered Ventilation” to a refrigerator, microwave, toilet system, and DVD player. That is to say that the Quantum Sleeper is not so much a bed but more like a smaller, safer house inside your house, that also happens to be a bed.
The inventors of the Quantum Sleeper are quick to point out that they developed it before September 11th, lest you think they are merely reactionaries or overly paranoid when, in fact, they are just being practical. Unfortunately this fantastic contraption is unavailable as of today, the inventors are still looking for funding. They estimate that a unit would cost somewhere in the area of one hundred, thirty-five thousand dollars to manufacture. They do, however, have a demonstration model that they made from wood, a decidedly less fire, tornado, chemical, and machine-gun resistant material than advertised, but capable nonetheless of giving prospective investors an idea of the device’s real world attributes and that is, at least, one step forward for your peace of mind. Isn’t it?
Quantum Sleeper [Product Page] : Warren Ellis
Categories: Crime, Death, Fear, Products, Safety, Sarcasm, Terrorism, Toilets, Violence, War
Posted at 10:15 am on March 28, 2008
9 Comments -
I still do the blanket cocoon thing. Sometimes just because it’s cold and sometimes when I’m scared of my own monsters like debt and job issues.
Realistically though, I SHOULD be scared of Dire Otters. I mean, DAMN.
I still wouldn’t get a quantum sleeper though. With a name like that I’d be afraid of entering a superstate in which I could collapse to win or fail.
Comment by Giania — March 28, 2008 @ 11:03 am
S’funny, I haven’t really outgrown the boogeyman thing (or more specifically, that goblin thing from Catspaw), I still can’t sleep with my hands or feet hanging off the edge of the bed, but as I’ve aged the fear of being buried alive has edged out the boogey man. I think I’ll just take my chances with the Bio Chemical Terrorists, thankyew.
Comment by Wendalyn — March 28, 2008 @ 11:45 am
I dunno, for my money the bedside gun rack is still better. Not smarter, just better.
Comment by CJ — March 28, 2008 @ 2:40 pm
A rebreather and “Biochemical Filtered Ventilation”, a refrigerator, microwave, toilet system, and DVD player? All battery-powered I presume? So what’s the battery life? Will it last until somebody clears away the rubble that’s blocking you inside?
And about that tornado-proof bit; so the box survives being picked up by a tornado? What about the contents? An egg inside an empty milk carton is dropped from the second floor. I suppose you COULD say that the carton is drop-proof, but I think the egg might disagree.
This is clearly a product for people with more money than common sense. Here’s a cheaper alternative. Instead of buying this ludicrously overpriced coffin, move your bed to the safe room you undoubtedly already have.
Comment by Seigmann — March 28, 2008 @ 5:37 pm
There’s a rather notable lack of fireproofing on their list of features.
Comment by Mike — March 28, 2008 @ 6:48 pm
It looks basically like a coffin for live folk to me.
Comment by paul blume — March 28, 2008 @ 8:30 pm
And the alien archaeologists will unearth these titanium sarcophagi and wonder if the remains inside were of kings, buried with their treasures, or the most impious criminals, condemmed to die with their loved ones.
Comment by Optical — March 29, 2008 @ 4:41 am
Okay, it protects from Dire Otters, but what about Mantis Shrimp?
Comment by chesh — March 29, 2008 @ 7:10 pm
Z?
Comment by Phyl — November 1, 2009 @ 4:13 pm