Stalin’s Ultimate Weapon: A Red Army of Monkey Warriors

It’s 1925. Mad Soviet Dictator Joseph Stalin, weary of the pathetic frailties of the flesh — the easily snapped limbs, the hearts that explode under mere superhuman stress, the stomachs that eat themselves away in starvation no matter how red the spirit — is eager to rebuild his weak and demoralized army, as well as begin his first Five Year Plan on the Road to Industrializaton.

“I want a new invincible human being, insensitive to pain, resistant and indifferent about the quality of food they eat,” Stalin explains to Moscow papers.

The invulnerable human being he envisioned? The perfect soldier? The ultimate Communist? A race of half-man, half-ape super-warriors, to be created for Stalin by Dr. Ilya Ivanov. Unfortunately, his experiments were a failure: though Ivanov was sent off to Africa in 1926 with $200,000 to conduct his first experiments in impregnating chimpanzees (the money was spent on booze, blindfolds and pornography), he failed to produce the race of superhuman monkey men of Stalin’s dreams. Back in the Soviet Union, Ilanov’s attempts to use monkey sperm to impregnate fertile Georgian babushkas similarly failed.

Ivanov died in exile on a cold train plattform in Kazakhstan in 1931. Stalin never did get his race of super-human monkey men.

Stalin’s half-man, half-ape super-warriors [Scotsman]